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Hi,advice needed!

debsb14

Hi,I am hoping to find some advice here as I am in am extremely difficult situation.

I am a single parent and live with my adult son,30,adult daughter,22 and my 14 year old son,who has autism and ADHD.

My 14 year old is so close to his older siblings,we are a close family unit.He struggles enormously with social situations and does online school from home.He is suffers badly with anxiety and needs familiarity and routine to feel safe.My daughter has had a boyfriend for the past 2 years and she has only recently started to bring him home.She works hard and is always putting her younger brother first but naturally she wants her boyfriend to be a part of things and have him come to stay now and then.He has stayed on a few occasions,he literally spends the time in my daughter's room so as not to come in to my youngest sons safe space.My son is sadly struggling so much with his visits though,he shouts and begs for him not to come over and breaks down in tears.Seekng him like this destroys me because I just want to take away his suffering.I have tried every way to reassure him and so has his sister,but I can see that his distress is just overwhelming him.I have had to tell my daughter that he can only stay once a week due to the situation.

My daughter has been very understanding,but I feel terrible because it's her home too.I feel so torn.She asked if he could come an extra day this week and my son broke down over it.I adorey children and just want to make them all happy but I feel right now that this is impossible.A friend of mine told me I need to just be stronger and allow my daughter's boyfriend to stay whenever,but I refuse to do that,I know my son needs me to ensure his safety and well being.

Im just doubting myself and would be so very grateful for any opinions on here.

Thankyou for reading my novel!!

  • Hi Debs, thanks for reaching out.  This sounds like a really hard situation for everyone involved, and I know that our community members who have been through similar situations will have some great advice for you.

    Change in routine can be extremely difficult for autistic people, as you know.  NAS has a guidance page available on the subject here which you might find helpful to look at, as it lists some support strategies you may like to try with your son.

    As a single parent doing your best for all your children, please also don't forget to take care of yourself!  You may like to try our Parent to Parent service.  The Parent to Parent Emotional Support Service provides emotional support to parents and carers regarding their autistic children/grown-up children. The service is provided by trained volunteers with personal experience as the parent of an autistic child or adult. Our focus is on emotional support and understanding what it is like for you as a parent. We offer empathy, understanding, and a safe space to talk through your feelings and experiences.

    I hope you find these helpful to consider while we wait for responses from other community members.  I wish you and your family the best going forward, and please do not hesitate to post again to let us know how things are going - the community is always here for you.