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Emotional Affair

Jen83

I'm a 43 year old neurotypical woman who has been in a 26 year relationship with an autistic man. We have 4 children together, and as I'm sure you can imagine the relationship hasn't been without its share of ups and downs over the years. I discovered some texts to his female 'friend' ex of his best friend, that include him asking her for nude photos, her sending him lingerie images, him asking to join her in bed when she says she's heading to bed and he can join her. They said I love you to each other daily, she called him her husband, forever husband, and he would respond with calling her mrs. This was going on for 5 years. He says none of it meant anything and that it was just two friends joking around. It was all just words on a screen between 2 friends of 30 years. I would also like to add that during this 5 year affair, he gifted her with jewellery, borrowed her money, created a gif with the Rachel and Joey scene from friends where he tells Rachel he's falling in love with her, but he edit it so it was his own face and his affair partners face. They would tell each other that they mean so much to each other, he would write her poems telling her he wants between her legs. That isn't even the half of it. He says he's sorry if he hurt me, but I'm overreacting because none of it meant anything. It was all just words on a screen between two friends. She left her partner and wanted him to leave me, but apparently it was all nothing. Then it changed to she was obviously taking it seriously and he wasn't. He also said that he didn't realise she was feeling anything behind the words. It took me reading a month of messages to see what was going on, at which point I was physically sick. I've spoke to friends and family about all of this, tried to speak to my partner who now says I need to just let it go and for his mental health he needs to stop talking about it. His answer is always I have autism so you should explain that to people before telling them what I did because normal rules don't apply to me. Can anyone please offer advice? I'd be grateful for any replies, just need to know i'm not going crazy. There has been a distance between us for years. He gave her everything I told him I needed from him. He elevated her while grounding me into the floor. He says he can't see my point of it being an emotional affair, and I don't understand because I don't have autism. This is me trying to understand.

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  • Phew whoa, that’s pretty heavy. I’m sorry you are dealing with that situation. As an Autistic man myself, I’ve got some opinions about his behavior, but do keep in mind they are opinions. I totally get craving love, romance, or affection outside of marriage (I’m polyamorous, myself), but there is a certain point where you cross a line beyond how far a monogamous relationship should go. Unless you are in an agreed-upon open relationship, one should not cross that threshold without consequences. My belief, judging by what you have written, is that he knows he went too far for way too long, but is too embarrassed to take responsibility for his actions. Autism does not excuse the prolonged, directed approaches he made towards that extramarital affair.

    Now, my opinions aside, my advice is that if you wish to continue forward with this relationship I strongly recommend finding professional help. A couples therapist/counselor can open up communication and offer an unbiased third party (your family and friends are biased, I’m sorry to say) to chime in. Hopefully that would help your husband to better understand his responsibility and your feelings. He will probably deny counseling, citing mental health as a reason not to, but ultimately it sounds like your two options moving forward in the relationship is either professional help or you just forgetting about his mistakes (opening up for potentially him doing the same stuff over again). So yes, I recommend counseling.

    Unless, of course, you just want to end the relationship, which I’d be surprised if anyone would fault you for that. Him having Autism DOES NOT obligate you to stay with him.

    I hope that helps you to find what you want to do going forward. I’m not a professional by any stretch, so please take my opinions and advice with caution. I wish you the best.

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  • Phew whoa, that’s pretty heavy. I’m sorry you are dealing with that situation. As an Autistic man myself, I’ve got some opinions about his behavior, but do keep in mind they are opinions. I totally get craving love, romance, or affection outside of marriage (I’m polyamorous, myself), but there is a certain point where you cross a line beyond how far a monogamous relationship should go. Unless you are in an agreed-upon open relationship, one should not cross that threshold without consequences. My belief, judging by what you have written, is that he knows he went too far for way too long, but is too embarrassed to take responsibility for his actions. Autism does not excuse the prolonged, directed approaches he made towards that extramarital affair.

    Now, my opinions aside, my advice is that if you wish to continue forward with this relationship I strongly recommend finding professional help. A couples therapist/counselor can open up communication and offer an unbiased third party (your family and friends are biased, I’m sorry to say) to chime in. Hopefully that would help your husband to better understand his responsibility and your feelings. He will probably deny counseling, citing mental health as a reason not to, but ultimately it sounds like your two options moving forward in the relationship is either professional help or you just forgetting about his mistakes (opening up for potentially him doing the same stuff over again). So yes, I recommend counseling.

    Unless, of course, you just want to end the relationship, which I’d be surprised if anyone would fault you for that. Him having Autism DOES NOT obligate you to stay with him.

    I hope that helps you to find what you want to do going forward. I’m not a professional by any stretch, so please take my opinions and advice with caution. I wish you the best.

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