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Hi NAS94922 ,
Firstly, sorry to hear about your break up 
. Secondly, please understand that what I am about to say is purely just my opinion based on my experiences in life, I am am far from a relationship expert! But what I can do is share insights from an autistic point of view.
Bit of context - I've been happily married for 15 years and with my wife for almost 19 years, we met when we were both in our late teens and very early twenties. I was only recently diagnosed with autism though.
I bet there are many of us who will read your post, and like me, go "yep, I recognize that" . My wife would be better suited to answer this, but what I can say is that we have had many conversations where she has felt I have shown a lack of interest in the things she cares about, and a lack of effort in things which needed effort. But there is a huge caveat.... I did, and do care, I just didn't express it in a way that she could recognize.
One example - holidays. She loves travelling, and I love that she loves travelling, but I don't express excitement in a way that she could recognize. She would talk about booking them, show me all the lovely pictures of the place, talk about all the arrangements etc and I just didn't share her excitement. I loved it made her happy, but I just didn't really care about the holiday myself. But we recognized, even before my diagnosis, that we just had different ways of displaying our excitement. Crucially, she would make all the effort to book and organize them, which could be seen as a lack of effort on my behalf.
But I do care, because let me tell you, my autism crushes me to bits when I go on holiday, its un familiar, heat or hot weather completely over stimulates my sensory inputs, queuing in airports makes me an anxious mess, planes freak me out, strangers spend way to much time in my personal space on holiday, I constantly feel obliged to smile and make eye contact which burns me out and I can barely eat when in a foreign country. I would go through all of this hell because I knew it made my wife happy, and she is the kindest and most beautiful human on the planet, so happiness is the minimum of what she deserves.
But when you read this, who would you say is the one who does not care or make an effort? Her doing something she loves, or me going through hell quietly because I know it's what she deserves. It took a long time, but my wife slowly began to understand my quirks, and I committed to making sure I could adapt to situations so she could enjoy her passion, not outwardly, but inwardly addressing my hesitations and concerns with travelling.
But communication was key, and this is my first bit of advice. How you communicate, and what you understand and recognise as care or effort, might be very different from how your boyfriend sees and experiences the world. However, just because he is autistic, that does not mean you don't deserve to be treated in a way that YOU understand and appreciate too. He needs to help you understand his way of communicating so that you can find a common language.
My second observation, he asked you what you like, and you were hurt by it. Completely valid, after 2 years you would hope that he knew what you liked! But sometimes, at least for me, autism makes me extremely black and white. I read is response to you and though "valid question" . He genuinely wanted to know, at this point in time, what do you like? Again, for me and my wife, we have realised that if she hints or is vague about something she wants, there is zero chance she will get it! I guess my question is, have you ever been specific with him on what you like?
The fact you are here makes me think you love this boy? Don't ever give up on love! You should be proud of yourself for the incredible effort you have made to make a success of you relationship, but don't lose sight of the fact that he just might not be able to fully appreciate your effort in its current format. He might see you doing things that only make you happy , and so it might not resonate with him.
I'll leave you with one last story that helped me understand what it's like when two different brains love each other, but don't understand each others love. A few years ago, my daughter was about 4 years old. My wife said to her, what would you get daddy if you had all the money in the world? She answered "a new peppa pig teddy" , I remember at the time thinking "bless her, obviously, like any kid, she thought of getting me something that she could then have" . But a then it dawned on me, how could a 4yr old possibly know what a 30ish year old man would want? How could she even conceive, let alone articulate what I could possibly want if she had all the money in the world? So she choose something she recognized as an incredible and loving gift, she spoke to me in her language and choose something she associated with happiness and love. Her desire was to pass that internalised feeling of love to me, through an object she believed could be a conduit between her love and me.
I don't know much, but I know I love my wife, I know I care deeply for her, but I also know that the conduit of my love, or my care, or my efforts, aren't always obvious to her. Sometimes, often times in fact, I fall short of speaking to her in her language, but we are both committed to understanding each others method of communication.
If you love him, and just as importantly, if he loves you, you will find a way. Just because he's autistic does not mean he can't walk this journey with you.
I hope and pray it all works out for you both.
Hi NAS94922 ,
Firstly, sorry to hear about your break up . Secondly, please understand that what I am about to say is purely just my opinion based on my experiences in life, I am am far from a relationship expert! But what I can do is share insights from an autistic point of view.
Bit of context - I've been happily married for 15 years and with my wife for almost 19 years, we met when we were both in our late teens and very early twenties. I was only recently diagnosed with autism though.
I bet there are many of us who will read your post, and like me, go "yep, I recognize that" . My wife would be better suited to answer this, but what I can say is that we have had many conversations where she has felt I have shown a lack of interest in the things she cares about, and a lack of effort in things which needed effort. But there is a huge caveat.... I did, and do care, I just didn't express it in a way that she could recognize.
One example - holidays. She loves travelling, and I love that she loves travelling, but I don't express excitement in a way that she could recognize. She would talk about booking them, show me all the lovely pictures of the place, talk about all the arrangements etc and I just didn't share her excitement. I loved it made her happy, but I just didn't really care about the holiday myself. But we recognized, even before my diagnosis, that we just had different ways of displaying our excitement. Crucially, she would make all the effort to book and organize them, which could be seen as a lack of effort on my behalf.
But I do care, because let me tell you, my autism crushes me to bits when I go on holiday, its un familiar, heat or hot weather completely over stimulates my sensory inputs, queuing in airports makes me an anxious mess, planes freak me out, strangers spend way to much time in my personal space on holiday, I constantly feel obliged to smile and make eye contact which burns me out and I can barely eat when in a foreign country. I would go through all of this hell because I knew it made my wife happy, and she is the kindest and most beautiful human on the planet, so happiness is the minimum of what she deserves.
But when you read this, who would you say is the one who does not care or make an effort? Her doing something she loves, or me going through hell quietly because I know it's what she deserves. It took a long time, but my wife slowly began to understand my quirks, and I committed to making sure I could adapt to situations so she could enjoy her passion, not outwardly, but inwardly addressing my hesitations and concerns with travelling.
But communication was key, and this is my first bit of advice. How you communicate, and what you understand and recognise as care or effort, might be very different from how your boyfriend sees and experiences the world. However, just because he is autistic, that does not mean you don't deserve to be treated in a way that YOU understand and appreciate too. He needs to help you understand his way of communicating so that you can find a common language.
My second observation, he asked you what you like, and you were hurt by it. Completely valid, after 2 years you would hope that he knew what you liked! But sometimes, at least for me, autism makes me extremely black and white. I read is response to you and though "valid question" . He genuinely wanted to know, at this point in time, what do you like? Again, for me and my wife, we have realised that if she hints or is vague about something she wants, there is zero chance she will get it! I guess my question is, have you ever been specific with him on what you like?
The fact you are here makes me think you love this boy? Don't ever give up on love! You should be proud of yourself for the incredible effort you have made to make a success of you relationship, but don't lose sight of the fact that he just might not be able to fully appreciate your effort in its current format. He might see you doing things that only make you happy , and so it might not resonate with him.
I'll leave you with one last story that helped me understand what it's like when two different brains love each other, but don't understand each others love. A few years ago, my daughter was about 4 years old. My wife said to her, what would you get daddy if you had all the money in the world? She answered "a new peppa pig teddy" , I remember at the time thinking "bless her, obviously, like any kid, she thought of getting me something that she could then have" . But a then it dawned on me, how could a 4yr old possibly know what a 30ish year old man would want? How could she even conceive, let alone articulate what I could possibly want if she had all the money in the world? So she choose something she recognized as an incredible and loving gift, she spoke to me in her language and choose something she associated with happiness and love. Her desire was to pass that internalised feeling of love to me, through an object she believed could be a conduit between her love and me.
I don't know much, but I know I love my wife, I know I care deeply for her, but I also know that the conduit of my love, or my care, or my efforts, aren't always obvious to her. Sometimes, often times in fact, I fall short of speaking to her in her language, but we are both committed to understanding each others method of communication.
If you love him, and just as importantly, if he loves you, you will find a way. Just because he's autistic does not mean he can't walk this journey with you.
I hope and pray it all works out for you both.
