When did / What made you realise?

I have failed to be formally diagnosed but I consider myself autistic, as do my family.

I first realised when my siblings brought it up with me, it was a conversation where I was wrapped in cotton wool, but I came out of it with everything making sense.

Since then I have looked at what information I can find and it confirms everything about my existence.

The biggest most obvious thing, is that I am almost universally rejected by people.  I am very frequently misinterpreted.  I am also easily manipulated as I cant understand people's intent.

As a child I was ridiculed, bullied, laughed at, but I was also naive so didnt realise early on, and when I started realising I didnt fit the experience by then was quite nasty.

Also of interest is observations made of me which I learnt about when my sibling filled in the autism assessment form.

Things I not really picked up on my self such as I am only comfortable talking about a few specific things, bad at eye contact, fixated on certain things, and that I can get quite stroppy if a routine I want or am expecting is broken.  So it was my siblings that woke me up to it. 

Mainly I couldn't understand why people treated me so badly, or rejected me so much. Even at work in groups, I saw the structure of groups was against me, the complicity of human networks and the basic nature of discrimination and glimses of fascism. These are human differences. Autistic people are still ridiculed, and I realise now its not even as if the act that is there to protect us, really does in the same way that other discrimination and disability protection areas do. So my understanding was also linked to my outlook. There are agressive forcefull people working against humanity, these people are not only poorly educated they also have poor values. This is the most painful realisation, that I you may never be ablt to change that. Its the same underlying paint or injustice felt when someone insults you for any part of you that makes you unique as a person. 

...so my realisation was actually several things, the mistreatment by the hands of other people which I largely kept to myself until later, my sense that others way of working was not working for me, hypersensitity to the world - alhough I am not sure anyone other that those close to me would know it. 

I have always thought I was a highly sensitive person, but it took seeing a therapist who suggested I might be neurodivergent for me to research lots and realise I was probably autistic. This in some ways is no surprise to me after a lifetime of mental health struggles, difficulty socially and also being frequently described as quirky. But also not did surprise me as my knowledge of autism was very small. Anyway, now I’ve researched it as my special interest and I feel very comfortable in the online ND community even though I’m not officially diagnosed. 

I was made redundant and the stress meant my masking slipped. My wife suggested we talk to the GP about autism and we compiled a list of traits called 'autistic or annoying?'

Unfortunately it was because of Chris-Chan (Christine Chandler). She’s not a great role model at all, but I started questioning my own Autism while I was reading up on her struggles.

I blame Chris Packham! It was watching Inside Our Autistic Minds that made me begin to think I might be autistic/aspie. Since then, autism has become something of a special interest, and I have come to identify as autistic.

As for going for an assessment, I am now currently in the midst of assessment (with an interview on Thursday to flesh out my developmental history and then the ADOS probably by the end of the month. I was originally reluctant to go down this route, but changed my mind after realizing that as I get older (currently 71) having official recognition (I refuse to think of it as a diagnosis) will be helpful for my increasing interactions with the NHS and social services.

I saw a documentary featuring an autistic woman who gave talks about what autism is, and recognised many of my own traits in her.

It was brought up before I was 10. And then many times since then from parents of autistic friends and the autistic friends, and my viola teacher who used to work as a music therapist for autistic people and had an autistic son.

It took me until I was 17 to seek a diagnosis because I (and my parents) fundamentally felt I wasn't 'struggling enough' for it to be 'real autism' 

Eventually I was on a walk sobbing down the phone to a friend (who was autistic) and she went "This isn't fine, this isn't coping, this is struggling"

I went to the school nurse who helped me call the GP the same week to ask for an assessment. It then took 4 years to actually get diagnosed but that's a different story. 

Thought all my social problems were because I was living with my parents, but I moved out 18 months ago and had the same social problems. So the only thing left was autism. 

I was burnt out and struggling with issues from previous burnouts due to dysregulated thinking and confusion.

I thought I was depressed, but it didn't seem to fit, so I went to see a psychologist, finally, after decades of struggling. Which sent me down the diagnosis path.

It was after my last year at uni, trying to find answers to what was wrong with me, why I had so many different illnesses, symptoms, allergies etc that no one could explain. THen I found out about autism in women and suddenly everything started to make sense. About 2 years later I sought diagnosis, autism in women was still "new" then, (14 years ago), but I did see a psychologist and was diagnosed, I felt such relief, I could start working with it rather than against it. It also gave me an excuse to blow a big raspberry at my ex who was always going on about how weird I am and tell him I really couldn't help it, it was something right with me not wrong with me.