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What is the best reaction?

Alien0n3arth

I'm wondering, what is the best/desired reaction to the disclosure of one's autism. I found quite much in the internet about how to NOT react. And I agree, telling someone "you don't look autistic" annoys, saying "we all are a little bit autistic" is also inappropriate,  comparing someone to someone's nephew is also annoying and doesn't make any sense. Here the best answer would be in my opinion: "no, I'm not LIKE your nephew,  because I'm NOT your nephew". Comments like "omg I'm so sorry" or "it must be terrible" - I red, that some people reacted this way, shows a huge ignorance and is also inappropriate and annoying. 

I agree, all this is a NO. But what would be a "yes" reaction? I myself must admit, maybe I myself am guilty of reacting wrong to such information. I had two such situations with someone's disclosure (I had no idea about autism at all at that time).

First one was my colleague at work. He had the Asperger Syndrome diagnosis. We had fun during breaks together with our Invented word game, related to our special intrests - his Japanese,  mine Russian. Nobody else wanted to have breaks with him, but managers quickly noticed that we get along well, so I had breaks with him quite often and was happy about it. I even fantasised about going for coffee with him, but was too shy to ask. Anyway, he told me once that he has a diagnosis,  Asperger Syndrome. My automatic reaction was overshare for over share, so I said "aha, OK and I have Tourette Syndrome". At that time thst was the diagnosis I had, turned out wrong. And that colleague said "yes, we with syndromes get along better" and then we kept talking about our beloved languages. 

I remember wondering, what kind of psychiatrist would give a Syndrome to someone who us exceptionally normal. But thank goodness I kept that for myself.

Then I also remember sitting once with a colleague and waiting for our German lessons, she took her son with her. We talked something,  the boy threw his toy away, so I picked up and tried to give him, but he didn't want. Then my colleague told me, that he has autism. My reaction? I just nodded and gave her that toy instead. And then I don't remember, I think she started talking something else. I observed that boy for a moment and had impression,  that he was like me when I was that age (toddler). But also said nothing.

I hope this thread will not become an argument, does anyone have suggestions or ideas, what kind of reaction would be the right one? Or is there any desired or right reaction? Everyone us different... 

I also remember that moment of my self realisation. That was the interview between David Grusch and Joe Rogan and Grusch mentioned being high functioning autistic. I stopped the video and got shocked and intrigued. I thought: "That guy speaks and behaves normal,  actually seems more normal than me" but I recalled him saying 'high functioning' so then I googled that immediately to find out what is that. And this was the moment that changed my life.

  • in reply to Fizzler

    Yes, I agree. I'm not best at phrasing with care especially in real life communication 

  • in reply to Roy

    My mom gets mad whenever I mention the wird autism, even if it's not about me but generally. I think she hates it. She knows that my therapist suspects autism in me, I think now that I made a mistake by telling her. But it's done. I might need a diagnosis quite quickly for my work, to protect myself. So I'm considering going private. I hope and I will tell them, I don't want autism diagnosis just because I pay, if I have no autism then they shouldn't diagnose me, as I'm tired of being misdiagnosed and mistreated in the past. But my therapist says he can't think of anything else other than autism. This word is for me grey and heavy, I have a strong association with a hippopotamus in dirt, which I told my therapist and he laughed. It's nothing negative for me though. Probably a symptom of synaesthesia 

  • I think maybe something along the lines of "Is there anything you'd like me to change about the way I communicate with you?" might be a thoughtful response. I think it's one of those things that could come across poorly if not phrased with care, and maybe it's the kind of thing that should come a little later rather than straight after disclosure of being on the spectrum - but it shows consideration I would say, and I think that's the kind of thing most people would welcome in any scenario.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    Thanks  

    The poorest replies have been from family members, some won’t even acknowledge it. My mother still can’t say the word autistic, I think she would burst into flames, then again I don’t think that would be a bad idea.

  • Thank you all for your contribution,  looks like my nod or ok wasn't a bad reaction. In fact from my side it was just a confirmation that received the information. 

  • Just a simple “okay” is fine by me. Or a “uh huh” I ain’t fussed. Let them say what they want. 

  • Its a celebration. Though not everyone wants to celebrate. Some people are annoyed, resentful at their treatment in life up until that point.

    I have been thinking about this from the perspective of how people come to their diagnosis, if it was them who referred themself, Their level of surprise, or indifference to the outcome (ie acceptance). I think for most people it is a journey of self discovery, its just a case of defining who you bring along with you.

  • I wondered about this too. I don't know what is a good reaction. I don't think you want sympathy or lots of attention

    I think it is more like an appreciation that things might be harder. But what does that mean? You don't want to be a special case and even more isolated.

    I think you just want people to be kind and take an interest. But that means you need to have some things ready to say, which is also hard when you aren't quite sure how you feel about it either.

    I still think the biggest change is internal, to just take things less seriously.

  • in reply to Roy

    Yes, that response was really good and I would also wonder if they are ND themselves.

  • I know this sounds grumpy of me and it may not be relevant to the discussion you wish to have, but I want some people to listen. Being diagnosed late in life is frustrating although I'm fully accepting - how did everyone miss it for so long? Then you pluck up the courage after self realisation and you may as well have watched paint dry in the responses or expression some give. Grump over apologies. 

  • I think just someone just acknowledging what I've said as if it's normal for me. I struggle with the looks on people's faces when you can see they don't know what to see or do. Just a small acknowledgement can go a long way. Perhaps a little reaching out of asking if there's anything they can do which would help support me.

  • I’ve only had one really positive reply to telling someone I had been diagnosed as autistic after a 3 year wait.

    “ That must have been so validating and I imagine you must feel sad at times as well.”

    The person does set my radar off, I wonder if they are questioning whether they are neurodivergent. It’s amazing when you find someone who actually ‘gets it’.

    Most people have not really understood, I think sometimes it shocks them and a random reply just blurts out. I don’t really tell many people.

  • I also considered telling someone "this is what I thought" but I'm not sure if it would be the good reaction. Maybe for someone could feel validating, but it could make that person more anxious and thinking that now everyone recognises that they are autistic. Which could have a negative effect on someone's wellbeing.