Even if I had an evening gown, as does Nigella, to cook in, it would be covered in flour, eggs and detritus by the time I'd finished. Jamie's jumpers never get a spec of cooking fat or lemon juice. Gordon Ramsey looks as pristine as if he's in a surgical theatre. Even relaxed Nigel Slater looks as if he's just come out of the shower, even after chopping, frying and searing. So, why is my kitchen like a donkey's breakfast? Why is my apron smeared all the colours of the rainbow? Why is the floor covered in sesame and other seeds that get into cracks in the tiles where they rot as you can't get them out? And why, after all this hard work, am I not smiling, and most things never taste wonderful as apparently they do for every TV cook?
