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Benefits

NAS74266

I have 24 year old twin sons who following a private assessment have been diagnosed with autism (classic Aspergers although I know it is now known as Autism).  They also have been diagnosed with slow processing at a level that is very crippling for them, they never actually do or maintain anything.  They sleep all day and are up all night despite them and me trying everything to maintain a decent routine they can't do it.  They have never worked and in all honesty are not able to. They are worried about people and actively avoid them, cannot stick to any routine or achieve or start anything they intend to. They spend all night in their bedrooms mainly on their computers only popping out for food. I am concerned for their future they have no income and claim no benefits. They both maintain that one day they are going to have a job and don't want to live on benefits which I have said is fine but maybe for now they need to claim a benefit as we all need money. They also claim not to have autism and therefore would not claim any benefit stating they have autism. They can't claim jobseekers as they are not in a position to search for a job nor would ever get round to searching. I have suggested contacting our GP along the lines of anxiety avoiding people to get some help but they won't go as they feel they can deal with it on their own. At 24 they are adults I can't force them unfortunately. Is there a way I can try and get some benefits for them on their behalf? I keep them financially but as they are not working or claiming benefits they will not be entitled to any sort of pension, if there is still one, when they are older. Also when I retire and eventually die how are they going to live with no money? It worries me daily what is going to happen to them is anyone else in this situation? Any advice gratefully received.

Parents
  • NAS74266 said:
    At 24 they are adults I can't force them unfortunately.

    It sounds like you provide everything for them, so if you wanted to go down a route of some "tough love" to make them realise they cannot exist in their bubble then you have the power.

    Some people will probably hate on me for suggesting this but I'm only offering an idea which you can consider - the decision will be yours.

    The approach is as follows:

    1 - work out how much their share of rent / food / bills / clothes / medical bills etc is each month. Write up a quick breackdown of this for later use.

    2 - research how they can claim benefits. Citizens Advice is a good source of info and browsing this forum for searchwords like "benefits" will find a lot of discussions on the subject. Now you have a reasonable idea of what they can do and you need to get them ready to do the legwork.

    3 - Give them notice. Tell them that in 2 weeks they will need to start researching and applying for benefits and if you don't see them applying within 4 weeks then you will be cutting off internet access, reducing food intake to essentials and removing any other luxurys they enjoy.

    Give them a reminder every few days.

    4 - When you get to the 2 weeks point, give them the research you have made and tell them you want to be copied in on any emails and sit in on any phone calls so you can support them. Don't do it for them but help and support them through it. Many times the avoidance approach is from lack of confidence and it is an important life skill for them to master if they are to survive on their own later on.

    It may seem cruel but being there to support them and allowing a little time to recover after plus offering constructive advice and tips is often the best way.

    If they completely go into meltdown over this then it is clear this approach will not work.

    5 - Get them into a routine of making the calls, emails etc and chase them out of bed early (eg 9am) to start their "work" by 10am. This may help slowly shift their routine to a healthier balance.

    Offer some positive reinforcements of their progress and little rewards for success. Food favourites is a good one if they like this.

    Keep track of their progress and remind them of this on a Monday morning to give some impetus for the week ahead.

    6 - While all this is going on, create a manual of how things work in case the boys ever need to run the household on their own for a while (eg through you being ill, in an accident, abducted by aliens etc) - make it really simple and step by step for everything and assume nothing of their knowledge.

    This can be for things like payment of essential bills, emergency contacts and when to use them, famiy / friends contacts, when contracts should be renewed and how, where to find the gas / water meters and stop valves, when to water plants / cut grass, who to ask for advice on maintenance issues, what to do in case of your hospitalisation / or death, which lawyer holds you will etc etc

    This can be adapted if they ever get their own place but it also gives peace of mind that is the worst happens, either they or someone they trust can continue the lifestyle while things get sorted out.

    I would imaging detailing your wishes in a will is pretty important as is having some sort of life insurance to give a buffer while their care is sorted out.

    That went on a bit longer than I expected - anyway just some thoughts to consider.

Reply
  • NAS74266 said:
    At 24 they are adults I can't force them unfortunately.

    It sounds like you provide everything for them, so if you wanted to go down a route of some "tough love" to make them realise they cannot exist in their bubble then you have the power.

    Some people will probably hate on me for suggesting this but I'm only offering an idea which you can consider - the decision will be yours.

    The approach is as follows:

    1 - work out how much their share of rent / food / bills / clothes / medical bills etc is each month. Write up a quick breackdown of this for later use.

    2 - research how they can claim benefits. Citizens Advice is a good source of info and browsing this forum for searchwords like "benefits" will find a lot of discussions on the subject. Now you have a reasonable idea of what they can do and you need to get them ready to do the legwork.

    3 - Give them notice. Tell them that in 2 weeks they will need to start researching and applying for benefits and if you don't see them applying within 4 weeks then you will be cutting off internet access, reducing food intake to essentials and removing any other luxurys they enjoy.

    Give them a reminder every few days.

    4 - When you get to the 2 weeks point, give them the research you have made and tell them you want to be copied in on any emails and sit in on any phone calls so you can support them. Don't do it for them but help and support them through it. Many times the avoidance approach is from lack of confidence and it is an important life skill for them to master if they are to survive on their own later on.

    It may seem cruel but being there to support them and allowing a little time to recover after plus offering constructive advice and tips is often the best way.

    If they completely go into meltdown over this then it is clear this approach will not work.

    5 - Get them into a routine of making the calls, emails etc and chase them out of bed early (eg 9am) to start their "work" by 10am. This may help slowly shift their routine to a healthier balance.

    Offer some positive reinforcements of their progress and little rewards for success. Food favourites is a good one if they like this.

    Keep track of their progress and remind them of this on a Monday morning to give some impetus for the week ahead.

    6 - While all this is going on, create a manual of how things work in case the boys ever need to run the household on their own for a while (eg through you being ill, in an accident, abducted by aliens etc) - make it really simple and step by step for everything and assume nothing of their knowledge.

    This can be for things like payment of essential bills, emergency contacts and when to use them, famiy / friends contacts, when contracts should be renewed and how, where to find the gas / water meters and stop valves, when to water plants / cut grass, who to ask for advice on maintenance issues, what to do in case of your hospitalisation / or death, which lawyer holds you will etc etc

    This can be adapted if they ever get their own place but it also gives peace of mind that is the worst happens, either they or someone they trust can continue the lifestyle while things get sorted out.

    I would imaging detailing your wishes in a will is pretty important as is having some sort of life insurance to give a buffer while their care is sorted out.

    That went on a bit longer than I expected - anyway just some thoughts to consider.

Children
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