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Processing ≠ Agreement: A Neurodivergent Perspective on Meetings

Packet
Has anyone else noticed how in neurotypical meetings, silence is often interpreted as agreement?
As someone who processes information deeply and sometimes needs time to reflect before responding, I find this assumption problematic. When I take the time I need and later share my thoughts—often via email or another asynchronous method—my input can be met with resistance or even seen as disruptive.
It feels like there's a mismatch in communication styles: neurotypical norms often prioritize immediacy, while neurodivergent minds may prioritize accuracy and depth. The result? A rebuttal that’s seen as obstinate rather than constructive.
Curious to hear if others have experienced this. How do you navigate these dynamics? Have you found ways to advocate for your processing style in group settings?
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  • Packet said:
    Has anyone else noticed how in neurotypical meetings, silence is often interpreted as agreement?

    This is an old social convention.

    Think about weddings - a very old social convention with people present where the official conducting the ceremony uses the question if anyone knows a good reason why the wedding should go ahead  to "Speak now or forever hold your peace"

    This works in any group situation as to wait for people to consider if they want to raise a point is too time consuming.

    If it does not work for you then you really need to consider either asking "can I have some time to consider this" or - if there is a reasonable chance to predict it will be asked - have a response prepared and raise your hand to ask there and then.

    I fear it is so engrained in society that there is little chance they will stop doing it, so it is down to us to adapt or leave.

    Packet said:
    A rebuttal that’s seen as obstinate rather than constructive.

    I think this will very much come down to how you prepare the response. This is a subtle skill set where you often need to placate the ego of the person in charge to stop them feeling attacked, so it helps to use phrases such as "you make a compelling arguement but I think it would be even better if we add ..." - positive strokes to ease the pain of the change you want to make.

    If you can get a coach to help you with these skills then it can be a tremendous help - it was what made the biggest difference to me when I started being a manager.

    Packet said:
    It feels like there's a mismatch in communication styles

    I fully agree. However we are only around 5% of the population while the others are 95% so is it really reasonable to expect everyone else to change to accommodate us?When you consider only 20% of autists are in work that means the ratio is closer to 99% NTs to 1% NDs in work.

    It would be nice but as for fair and reasonable, the impact on time taken and 99% changing their ways of working for us is not going to realistically happen, so it is down to us if we want to do that role.

    It may seem defeatist but I prefer to think of it as pragmatic.

Reply
  • Packet said:
    Has anyone else noticed how in neurotypical meetings, silence is often interpreted as agreement?

    This is an old social convention.

    Think about weddings - a very old social convention with people present where the official conducting the ceremony uses the question if anyone knows a good reason why the wedding should go ahead  to "Speak now or forever hold your peace"

    This works in any group situation as to wait for people to consider if they want to raise a point is too time consuming.

    If it does not work for you then you really need to consider either asking "can I have some time to consider this" or - if there is a reasonable chance to predict it will be asked - have a response prepared and raise your hand to ask there and then.

    I fear it is so engrained in society that there is little chance they will stop doing it, so it is down to us to adapt or leave.

    Packet said:
    A rebuttal that’s seen as obstinate rather than constructive.

    I think this will very much come down to how you prepare the response. This is a subtle skill set where you often need to placate the ego of the person in charge to stop them feeling attacked, so it helps to use phrases such as "you make a compelling arguement but I think it would be even better if we add ..." - positive strokes to ease the pain of the change you want to make.

    If you can get a coach to help you with these skills then it can be a tremendous help - it was what made the biggest difference to me when I started being a manager.

    Packet said:
    It feels like there's a mismatch in communication styles

    I fully agree. However we are only around 5% of the population while the others are 95% so is it really reasonable to expect everyone else to change to accommodate us?When you consider only 20% of autists are in work that means the ratio is closer to 99% NTs to 1% NDs in work.

    It would be nice but as for fair and reasonable, the impact on time taken and 99% changing their ways of working for us is not going to realistically happen, so it is down to us if we want to do that role.

    It may seem defeatist but I prefer to think of it as pragmatic.

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