Got a friend judging the company I keep

I used to spend all my time with this friend, a few years ago. But she became distant when she got into a relationship, and daily calls became weekly messages. I was sad at the time, but I accepted it and spent a couple years trying to get used to not having someone around all the time. Eventually, I got enough of a social battery and began putting myself out there. I'd go on Twitch and watch streamers with small viewer numbers, so I could chat with the streamer and the people around. It's been great. I've become part of a couple of communities of people who are happy to have me around. And I feel like I've become a more positive person as a result of this.

Recently, I was talking to this friend again, and she was feeling lonely. She doesn't make friends easily, and was worried she'd lost the ones she had by being too isolated. I told her how things have been going with me lately, and she sorta meekly asked if I could introduce her to these communities. I was a little hesitant, because the person I've become since spending time with these communities is different than the person I became from back when I would hang out with this friend all the time. I realise I was masking a lot with her, agreeing with cynical opinions because I didn't want to openly disagree with her. But I invited her in anyway, because I wanted to be kind and hoped maybe sharing these people with her could be good for her.

Today though, she's admitted she doesn't think very much of those people. They're v-tuber communities. A streamer with an animated model and a fake persona, selling a fantasy to people who like it for a variety of reasons. This friend however is reducing it all to sexual fetishism. I can say personally that's not why I'm there, and the people I've come to talk to over the past few months, while still being strangers on the internet, don't feel like they all deserve to be grouped together under that one motive.

It's a hard conversation, cos I don't wanna argue with her about it, but I don't wanna just nod alone and agree with whatever she says. Especially when it's about people who are a lot happier to have me around these days than she is. I tried to present a more open minded opinion on the subject, and she said "you sound like ai copy-paste, bro". I know what this is. She's not being a very good friend, and I do feel like it could be better if we just go our seperate ways.

Just kinda sucks. Her birthday is just a few days away, and I've got this piece of art of her favourite character that I paid an artist to make. Because I got her into these communities, I can't really talk about it there since she's there. So I've come here to share what I've been going through.

  • I'm not super upset with her for becoming distant when she got in a relationship. The way we'd spend time together before, she'd never have time for anything else. But yeah, the new norm hit pretty hard for me because I wasn't exactly swimming in friends myself. It took me a long time to get where I am now. And her mix of "I'm happy you've found people who value you" and "those people are simps and fetishists though" doesn't feel like the well natured words of a good, caring friend.

    I have noticed across our friendship that any time, for any reason, I'm not available to her, I can expect to get intense messages from her later. Recently she told me she was free all day to hang out, but I had other obligations. I instead invited her to join me and participate, which she did. But this was what led into her judging these communities I've gotten involved with. The other day she got drunk and said, in a nutshell, "We'll probably never play games together or hang out again, but I'm happy for what you've found." which messed me up, cos that was so unnecessary to say other than to make me feel guilty about not dropping everything to spend time with her. She apologised for it when she sobered up, but that's just one of many experiences like that I've had with her.

    I really don't think she has ill intentions. I think she has poor emotional regulation and it makes her someone I feel like I have to manage. Though that in itself is my own issue, feeling like I have to take care of people to get them to like me, and something I'm working on.

    Your insights have been very helpful. Thank you for the detailed response.

  • she became distant when she got into a relationship

    Hmm!  A few years ago, your friend rather dropped you when she took up a new relationship.  That can happen (but she could have conducted the change of her time availability with you better at the time).

    These days she finds herself at a loose end and has tried to pick up with her previous crowd (like you) but is not conducting herself particularly respectfully as she does so.

    It sounds as though you used the several years to develop, grow and find new friends.  I am not so confident your friend has grown much in that time.  It almost sounds like your friend is jealous of your new independence and fresh circle of friends which better suit you.

    I would be careful (wary) of giving her too much further opportunity to interfere with your new social circle.

    As she is the one trying to re-connect with you - she needs to raise her game to match in well with you (as you are these days, not drag you back to yesteryear) ...or, she needs to find herself a new circle of friends and interests of her own.

    Decades ago, I had to deal with a similar sounding "friend".  In the end I realised she was using me to fill her boredom when it suited her.  She went on holidays and concerts with her friends (not me).  She would only really contact me when others were unavailable and she wanted company to drag around a shopping centre etc. 

    The final straw; was when I found out she was indescreet (gossiping about my personal business with her friends who had never met me).  She made the mistake of assuming she controlled all the levers in our relationship.  Well that was not the case (I ended it).

    In hindsight, I realised my ex-friend used a lot of subtle gaslighting techniques to manipulate people around her to her own ends or agenda.  I am wondering when your rebound friend started talking to you disrespectfully about you sounding like ai copy-paste - if that wasn't a similar tactic attempt by your friend too?

    Gaslighting: "Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person tries to make another doubt their own sanity, perception of reality, or memories. It's a tactic used to gain control and power, often leaving the victim feeling confused, anxious, and dependent on the abuser."

    You have worked heard to find, be accepted by and included within that new community of friends which you enjoy.  Try not to let your old friend sidetrack you or make you doubt yourself about that group's value to you.  If your old friend is desperate enough to read strange innuendo things into everything (not shared by you and your new friends) that is her problem (and possibly just a cheap shot attempt to derail you from your new community).

    I also noticed that my ex-friend used to have a bit of a bad habit / pattern of ignoring me generally (for ages), then popping up again on the scene ...miraculously, just before her birthday (not mine though) or Christmas time.  Almost as though (if her preferred crowd already had other more glamorous arrangements) she panicked about being "friend-with-no-mates-to-boast-about" - and hey, presto, I would get contacted.  That is pretty shallow behaviour - but there are people out there who deploy such hollow stunts.

    You deserve better from those you are prepared to count as a true friend.

    If your old friend is to make the grade - these days - she must put in the required effort.

    She needs to quickly learn how to respect your personal selection of friends, interests and life choices.

    As a minimum, she needs to learn to accept that; there may be experiences / people only you appreciate (and that is your right).

    Trust your masking awareness radar (as it can help you to effectively "mark her homework").

    You are aiming to be friends (not her clone).