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Looking for advice…

131895

Hi all,

I’ve never written on here before and I am not sure whether I will get a response, but I’m looking for some guidance.

I suspect that my recent ex-partner is autistic and/or ADHD. Throughout our time together, he has shown signs, but has never got a formal diagnosis. He has however been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and is / had taken medication, but it never really seemed to get to the core of the issue.

I would say that his symptoms include; social anxiety, struggling to make friends, not being able to have more than one sound at any one time, having very black and white thinking and fixating to the extreme on a new hobby every six months - year. He could also get overwhelmed by changes in routine, but thrives in an environment that is very structured, will notice things that I would never notice in a room or object and can struggle to explain himself when distressed or stressed.

Over the past decade he has had a history of waking up in the morning and wanting to change the path that he is on in life or similar. For example, he was taking a degree which he was enjoying, until he woke up one morning and it no longer felt right - out of the blue.  

This has also been picked up by his workplace and I think he’s slowly starting to realise it himself.

We had been on an on-off relationship for over a decade. We recently bought a house together and he had plans for engagement. He was so excited and we had discussed children. Recently, he went on his first big solo trip to another country after fixating on a new hobby (including getting up at all hours to watch these sports games regardless of commitments!) He met some friends online and off he went. On day 5 of this holiday, he said something clicked in his brain and nothing in his life felt right anymore, including his relationship, the house, job etc. He said he met a group of people that he fitted in with for the first time and suddenly everything needed to change (albeit the day before he left he was saying how happy and excited he was with his life!) There were no known issues in our relationship and we had good communication, so this came completely out of the blue. He went out there again a month or so later to understand whether he wanted to move out there. He came back and said he wasn’t sure what direction he wanted his life to go in, but he had to start with his relationship and the house and had to deal with one thing at a time. He has plans to completely turn his life upside down, even though he had everything he had dreamt of, including a promotion, only to go on this holiday and have all of his values do a 180 degree turn, including children. It’s now like he has never met me before and has become very distant and unemotional.

For me, having a sudden shift overnight from an overwhelming holiday (where he was constantly with lots of people and going to big sports events, which he had never done before) is showing signs of something. Marriage was his goal for so many years. He cannot give me a reason for this change other than it’s a feeling and wants to sell the house and then think about whether he wants to change his job and his location etc. Only the day before this switch, he sent me a message saying he loved and missed me and then he almost disappeared off the radar. 

He did have to take a couple of days off at work and has found himself trying out a new routine, for example. He has almost detached himself from myself and says he can only deal with one emotion at a time and almost seems to be feeling nothing towards the whole situation. Nothing I say or do seems to get through to him as he is so dead set on his decision, despite me trying to explain to him that it doesn’t seem completely logical to change overnight.

Has anyone got any experience with this?

Thanks,

Anon

Parents

  • Hello and welcome to the forum.

    The symptoms you describe certainly align with many of the classic autism traits and it seems likely he is neurodiverse, although a full autism diagnosis could identify if he is far enough along on the spectrum to be classed as disabled.

    I'm not sure it is ethical to give advice on what you should do so I will tell you what I would do in your situation.

    1 - I would look at what I want. He is clearly willing to make his wants / needs front and foremost and my doubt is that if you end up married and with kids then he finds a new special interest and no longer wants to be there.

    I would take time to speak to a therapist to understand my wants and needs in the situation and decide what I will do  - it does not have to be all about him. The results may not be what you want to hear but you should at least be fully part of the decision making process and own the conclusion.

    2 - I would ask him to start with an online autism diagnosis just to see if there is a reasonable chance that this is the root cause of his behaviour. You can search "free online autism diagnosis" and find plenty of sites that do it for free.

    If there is a reasonable chance of autism then I would start reading up on the key traits that he exhibits to understand them better and read here how people cope wth them. This at least lets you know what you are dealing with.

    3 - I would have one of those "we need to talk" sessions with him where I would come prepared with the issues which are concerning me. I would ask him to consider these and make a follow up time to give him a chance to give a considered response. I would make it clear that it is not an ultimatum but I really want to make him understand the things that are concerning me.

    Being clear about how you feel about events and his behaviour is important as we are often unaware of these, and being as non threatening as possible will help avoid him claming up because he feels attacked. Allowing processing time for him is important.

    4 - I would plan an escape route in case it all goes sideways. Nothing too obvious but having somewhere to go, a bag prepared and funds somewhere accessible independent of him - all because you never know how some people will react and I would make sure I was prepared for the worst.

    My biggest concern here is that he is very quick to make major decisions without apparently consulting you when you are potentially his life partner and father to your children. He would need to learn to agree things together and this may just need him to be aware that it is expected.

    I hope a direct and blunt talk has the desired effect.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Reply

  • Hello and welcome to the forum.

    The symptoms you describe certainly align with many of the classic autism traits and it seems likely he is neurodiverse, although a full autism diagnosis could identify if he is far enough along on the spectrum to be classed as disabled.

    I'm not sure it is ethical to give advice on what you should do so I will tell you what I would do in your situation.

    1 - I would look at what I want. He is clearly willing to make his wants / needs front and foremost and my doubt is that if you end up married and with kids then he finds a new special interest and no longer wants to be there.

    I would take time to speak to a therapist to understand my wants and needs in the situation and decide what I will do  - it does not have to be all about him. The results may not be what you want to hear but you should at least be fully part of the decision making process and own the conclusion.

    2 - I would ask him to start with an online autism diagnosis just to see if there is a reasonable chance that this is the root cause of his behaviour. You can search "free online autism diagnosis" and find plenty of sites that do it for free.

    If there is a reasonable chance of autism then I would start reading up on the key traits that he exhibits to understand them better and read here how people cope wth them. This at least lets you know what you are dealing with.

    3 - I would have one of those "we need to talk" sessions with him where I would come prepared with the issues which are concerning me. I would ask him to consider these and make a follow up time to give him a chance to give a considered response. I would make it clear that it is not an ultimatum but I really want to make him understand the things that are concerning me.

    Being clear about how you feel about events and his behaviour is important as we are often unaware of these, and being as non threatening as possible will help avoid him claming up because he feels attacked. Allowing processing time for him is important.

    4 - I would plan an escape route in case it all goes sideways. Nothing too obvious but having somewhere to go, a bag prepared and funds somewhere accessible independent of him - all because you never know how some people will react and I would make sure I was prepared for the worst.

    My biggest concern here is that he is very quick to make major decisions without apparently consulting you when you are potentially his life partner and father to your children. He would need to learn to agree things together and this may just need him to be aware that it is expected.

    I hope a direct and blunt talk has the desired effect.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Perhaps he is scared of being tied down and is looking for an escape. He may not know he is doing this, it could be subconscious.

    You will probably struggle to get him to seek help. He will be stubborn and won't do it till he is ready, which could be a long time.

    I did something with some similarities (although there are other complicating factors). I don't know what you can do other than to get him some therapy to talk it through. But I refused to engage, he may do the same.

    I now regret my actions 28 years later when I finally woke up.

    All you can do is think carefully what is best for you.