Ambivalent about my birthday

Hello there,

So my birthday is next week,  Saturday 7th June.  I'll be 24. I'll be honest, I'm not a huge fan of celebrating my birthday, it's like "OK, I'm a year older, I've done a few things, I've done another orbit around the Sun, I'm one year closer to death".   I don't really celebrate, don't have parties. Of course, I am grateful for the good wishes, cards, and presents from my family, friends, and colleagues.

Over the last year, a few things have happened:

  • I've done a lot more driving lessons and got a lot better. (Started learning in January 2024 and usually do a 2-hour lesson each week. Passed my theory test April 9th last year. Got my practical on October 7th this year. And if I don't pass, I can book again, probably could get another test late March next year, and hopefully pass that before my theory test expires on April 9th 2026. If I need to do my theory test again, I will)
  • I got a job. I started on a graduate scheme in mid-September last year and it's been great. The scheme is two years long.
  • I cleared out a bunch of old books, clothes, and DVDs.
  • I learned a few more life skills.
  • I made some new friends.
  • I had some mentoring sessions and I am slowly learning to accept myself a bit more.
  • I got a new laptop (my old one was busted haha!)

It's just sometimes I fall into the compair-and-despair trap. I've spoken before about feeling that I am behind in life, or late, but these terms are relative. We are all different. I'm trying to not talk myself down, not to ignore my achievements. I struggle to believe in myself sometimes. 

When I do big things, I'm not really proud of myself, I don't really stop to reflect, I just think "OK, what's the next thing?"

And even now sometimes the small thoughts get to me, e..g "Sure you've got a job, but you're still behind in life, because you don't have a driver's licence, you still live with your parents, and you don't have a girlfriend" I feel like at 24 I should have done all of these things.

I try to stop these thoughts. I'm doing ok. I'm doing my job, I've got hobbies, I'm learning to drive, quite a few folks in their 20s live with their parents because everything is so damn expensive. I've got aspirations. My plan is to move out of my parents place after I've got my driver's licence and sorted out the next job after the grad scheme I'm on finishes. But that's another year,  maybe a year and a half. Then I may consider going dating. But I want to sort my life out first. I'm a bit embarrassed to go dating because I still live with my parents and can't drive.  

I do sometimes worry about my lack of experience. I might not even attempt dating until I'm 25, 26, (see above paragraph)  but what if people think I'm weird because I'm 25 and I've never been on a date, never had my first kiss, never had a girlfriend or anything? I'm also concerned that if a person finds out I have anxiety, autism, food intolerances, don't drink tea coffee or alcohol, or that I'm inexperienced, then maybe they won't want to date me or have a relationship with me. Sometimes I worry about this a lot. But sometimes I am completely indifferent to dating. And sometimes I am so scared because modern dating sounds like a scary minefield, and I'm not a conventionally attractive person.

I try not to let it get to me. It doesn't interfere with my life or my sleep. Just every now and then the thoughts come into my mind. My parents remind me, and I understand fully, that there is a lot more to life than dating, having a partner, or driving. There are advantages to being single, to being on your own. And if I'm honest, a fair bit of the time I don't mind being on my own. Sometimes I'm glad that I'm not dating at the moment. I'm glad that I get on well with my parents. I pay for all my driving lessons. Since starting my job I've paid for all my own stuff as well. I offered to pay rent as well, several times, but they have always refused. They tell me to save for a deposit. I frequently help around the house. If I were living with flatmates, roommates, housemates my own age or whatever, I would be contributing to the rent, chores, etc. So I'm not stupid or lazy or incompetent. It's just for my situation it's been better for me to stay with my parents for the time being.

I am tempted to wear a hat, sunglasses, disguise, go into central London next weekend and hold up a big sign saying "Kiss me it's my birthday" but I have a feeling that might not go down too well. Maybe I should just get a haircut (my hair is a bit long at the moment and I don't like having long hair, particularly in the summer!), and give my parents a big hug, tell them I love them and say thank you to them for being supportive of me.

I am trying to be proud of what I have achieved. My parents and friends tell me I should be proud of myself for doing well at school, getting a good degree, getting work experience, getting a job, learning life skills, looking after my health better, and taking driving lessons.

I will admit for first time that I am proud of myself for not giving up. And I've got to stop comparing myself to other people. My life, even if it has been a bit different to how I have wanted it to be, is still pretty good. If I hadn't made so many mistakes, I wouldn't have learned so much, and I wouldn't have gotten the lovely grad scheme that I'm on now,  which has good people and a great graduate cohort. I hope to stay on at the place I'm working at after the grad scheme.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to rush through life trying to do loads of things, because the quality of the experiences and interactions may not be so good as if I did things one at a time. I don't want to end up fed up in my 30s or 40s and think "What was it all for?"

I am still ambivalent about my birthday, but as I go on 24 (can't say I'm in my early 20s anymore, have to say mid-20s,  oh no!)  I am trying to be comfortable with who I am and how I look. 24 isn't that different from 23, and my parents tell me I'm a handsome lad haha!

Again, an important step for self-acceptance for me personally, is saying that I am proud of myself for not giving up!

Thanks,

Joseph