Hi everyone,
I've recently been keeping a diary, and recently I confronted something I'd never really addressed myself, and it's worrying me quite a lot. I've edited out a couple of really personal bits or bits people might find upsetting, and I've hidden names but I thought I'd share this entry with you and see if any of you could relate.
When I use personal pronouns, it's usually because I'm addressing the void!
I've always had a feeling that something isn't right. Over the last two years as I have learnt more about Asperger's, a lot of it can be put down to that, but there are other things which I'd really like an explanation for, if you can.
Sertraline has given me the opportunity to "step outside myself" and really think about my behaviour and the thoughts I have, which is a good thing. I have begun to reflect on some of the times when I have felt not just different, but not well.
Since I was very small - toddling - I've had extreme fluctuations in mood. These aren't the Aspie 0-100 reaction "meltdowns"; I know because I have those too. Asperger's is, I have learnt, mostly a condition of logic. Ergo, the 0-100 reactions usually have a trigger (even if it seems small to neurotypical people). But the ups and downs I experience, and always have done, aren't that logical. They take place over weeks, and my mood eventually ascends or descends; on this constant cycle. For example, for a few weeks I will feel charged with excitement, then for a few weeks after I'll feel drained, exhausted, exposed and unhappy. Nothing cheers me up. I'll lie in bed and cry and feel intense pain in my chest, which, before sertraline, I used to put down to anxiety. Now, I think it's more a stony ache of sadness. Sometimes I'll look out of my window at the endless sky and I'll see the beauty in it but its endlessness makes me feel so helpless. This has varied in prominence throughout my life, but the changes in mood often aren't particularly influenced by external sources.
Another thing which confuses me is my manicism (this is showing a red squiggly line which means it's not a real word. Mania?). I know lots of people who are on the spectrum, and so does Mum. However, we both agree that "manic" isn't a word we'd use to describe them, yet it is often a word used to describe me - along with "hyperactive" and "high-spirited". My school was once asked to do a questionnaire regarding the possibility that I had ADHD, and I scored highly for hyperactivity and low for inattention. (My former psychiatrist) said I was "a bit more out there" than the average Aspie. What's more is that I feel a lot of my issues aren't caused by my not being sure what to do socially, but that I'm so manic I frighten people away. I know that no two autistic people are the same, but I haven't met another ASC person who experiences my "mood swings".
Moreover, my dreams are very colourful. When I'm at my best and my worst, I can do magical things. One thing I never feel is confined.
What does this mean?