Tired of my mother's obnoxious behavior at night

My mother got a new boyfriend about 10 months ago. For the the past 6 months he has been staying over at least one night a week. This has now been increasing to about 2 nights a week. And, I am starting to get extremely fed up and angry with it. They like to have sex late at night. Last night it went until 1 AM. The problem is that we live in a small house with very thin walls, which means my sister and I can hear them going at it. We hate it. It's disgusting. And, because they only do it late at night, we can't even just leave the house and go for a walk or something. (We are both young women, and it would be stupid and dangerous for us to go out walking late at night. Plus the weather is getting colder and it will soon be too cold to go walking when it is dark.) 

Furthermore, it keeps us awake late at night. Both of us try to listen to audio books so that we don't have to hear them having sex. But, we don't want to be listening to audio books at 1 AM. We want to be asleep. If this wasn't bad enough, every time her boyfriend stays over he also gets up at around 6:30 AM. This means we are woken up by his alarm clock, and then usually are kept awake by my mother and him crashing and bashing around the house as they go to the toilet, have breakfast, and etc. It's just obnoxious.

At this point, I don't know what to do. My sister and I have both told are mother that we can hear her, that it keeps us awake and that we don't like it. But, she doesn't seem to care. She has said, "We'll be quieter." But, that is it. I understand that she wants to have sex with him, but I don't understand why it always has to be in the middle of the night. If she did it during the day, then my sister and I could at least leave and go somewhere else. And, we wouldn't be kept up until 1 AM. Plus I think it is disrespectful to the neighbors as well as us because we are in a terrace house and have neighbors on both sides.

What am I supposed to do? I feel like I might just lose control over my temper and unleash my fury on my mother but I know that will only result in her getting pissed off with me. And, she is making my sister really unwell with stress about this issue.

Does anyone have any advice?

  • I asked the question, becauce so much of the language used in the OP is so emotive, words like disgusting and gross, lead me wonder if the problem isn't lack of sleep, but some kind of moral position?

    To me 1am isn't late, but if you're a morning person then I guess it does feel like the middle of the night. I do sympathise with lack of sleep and being kept awake by others.

    I think you should sit down with her and talk about it calmly and see if you can find some solutions, if her bed creaks, does she need a new one? Does her headboard bang against the wall? Could a couple of door stops attached to the headboard help? There's some insulating wall lining paper you can get, maybe putting some of that up would help insulate you fron as much noise as well as keeping the rooms warmer, you can decorate as normal on top of it. Can her boyfriend use a different alarm?

  • I think you have a point.

    With the thin walls loud sex is an imposition on others, just as would be a bit of loud rock music.

    Also, do they not know that having quiet sex can be huge fun too?

    Perhaps a bit of mockery might be in order, try cheering them on? 

    Whoo Hoo!! GO mum GO!! That sort of thing... Not like she can punish you is it? ;c)

  • As an almost 50-year-old, I can relate to the situation you and your sister find yourselves in, but can also relate to your mother too.

    Before I moved out of the family home, my parents had a very active sex life. Whilst I had been living under their roof, there were numerous occasions when I would be kept awake by the sound of them having sex. Just the thought of my parents having sex seemed bad enough to me, but to actually hear them was even worse. Eww!

    During my teenage years, I remember going to school frequently feeling bad-tempered and sleep deprived, and complaining to my friends that my parents had been "at it" yet again. I remember going on holiday with them when I was 17, and throwing shoes at the wall in the hopes it would put an end to my parents lovemaking session. 

    As an adult and also a parent, I can now look back and laugh about it. If anything, I now feel somewhat envious (and also proud) that my parents had remained happily married and enjoyed such an active sex life.

    I do sympathise with you as this situation is clearly causing you and your sister a lot of distress. You stated that you have both spoken with your mother about this, but might it be worth having a calm conversation with her to see if it's possible to agree upon a compromise that suits you all?

  • Hi, I'm the sister, who was mentioned in the post. And frankly, I'm very annoyed by this question. Why would you even ask it? Who in their right mind enjoys listening to their parents having sex and being kept up until 1am by it?

    I mean, no, I don''t like the fact that my mom has a new boyfriend, but I also don't expect her to just stay single forever. As my sister said, we're not assholes. As for my mom having sex, I don't give a ***, but I also don't want to know about it, and I certainly don't want to hear it.

  • It is about us being kept awake a night. And, about my mother having sex at time when my sister and I cannot leave the house so that we don't have to hear it. I am not a complete a**hole. I can admit that it is hard to see my mother with someone other than my dad. But, my dad is dead. And, it would be extremely unfair for me to expect my mother to remain alone for the rest of her life just because my dad is dead and I don't want to see her with someone else.

    I mean I don't think anyone wants to hear their parents having sex with anyone. It's just gross. Seriously, would you want to listen to your parents having sex?

    I also do not think anyone wants to be kept awake at night. When you are tired, you want to sleep. And, when someone or something keeps you awake when you are tired and want to sleep, you get grumpy, angry, upset, and/or annoyed.

  • Is this really about you being kept awwake or is it really about you and your sister not liking that your mother has a new male friend and is having sex?