Published on 12, July, 2020
Is it possible to live with so much love for others and yet so much hate for yourself?
My faith ensures my love for others but that same faith cannot help me to love myself. On the contrary, I feel like I hate myself and wish I didn't exist. Strange isn't it, how so much love and so much hate can emanate from the same heart.
God says live, so I live. Why can't I love myself the way He loves me? Why do I have so much hatred inside me, alongside so much love that I just can't express? I'll explode one day, I'm pretty sure I will.
Why do you hate yourself? Something you did? Something you want to do but are afraid of? Do you have feelings that you wish you don't have? Are you ashamed of being an animal with a mating instinct?
If any of the above, I have lots of experience.
And I have even more experience if it's because you were raised by a CRAZY mother that you didn't know was crazy so you had to readjust all your perceptions and beliefs to normalize her craziness — and in the process, twisting and breaking you into an unrecognizable wreck.
Possibly yes. The love, often overwhelming, of a mother can be a double-edged sword. Pretty much everything I do/want to do, I feel that I need permission or something like that from her. Pretty fucked up, I know, but I'm sure I'm not alone. I don't know who I am without her. My parents brought me into the world but, as with doing well at school, I've just never known what to do afterwards. Just trying hard not to end my life but getting nowhere fast.