Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I don't know if this is a rant or a question, so please bare with me.
I have been married a long time. All relationships change over time. It now feels that we just exist in the same place but not together, if that makes sense.
I don't particularly like being touched by others but my physical contact with my wife has always been essential, I'm not just taking about sex. So simple things like holding hands, a hug or a casual touch on the way past etc. All this seems to have dried up completely and it's really bothering me.
Over the last couple of years it has diminished even more and as I'm the primary instigator it makes me feel unwanted and rejected as it's not shown in return.
We've never been chatty when it comes to the ins and outs of our relationship, it just flowed in generally the same direction.
My wife seems more content doing puzzles or reading a book.
I've been awake for hours running scenarios for a conversation I'm terrified to have.
Anyway I've got to get up for work soon, so I can stress about there instead.
The only advice I can give and applies to most situations that bother you. Have the conversation calmly and don't wait until you are at your wits end and close to exploding about it. Say how you feel. Listen to how she feels. Don't argue!
Our kids are older, one is still at home, he is autistic but fairly low maintenance, the other is a uni.
I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, I really struggle this type of thing.
Thanks
Hiya, I’m new on here.
I can relate to this but I believe I may be more like your wife. It makes me terribly sad and worried that I’m probably making my partner feel the way you do. Do you guys have kids together? Or something else in her life that’s possibly very high stress for her? If so, this may be why physical touch has completely gone down hill.
For me, the kids (also autistic), are so high energy and literally jump all over me and diminish almost all of my mental energy too. So this is why I’m already overstimulated from being overly touched already, so by the time my husband naturally wants a cuddle or holding hands or a quick kiss I usually can’t manage it and find excuses to pull away. Let alone anything else more intimate.
I can see it hurts him but I don’t know what else to do as I’m being needed physically and emotionally by too many people. Could this be similar with your wife? It could even be like this at her work if she has a job, speaking to too many people all day, etc
I had similar conversation with my husband recently and things improved although what I told him could have had worse outcome, maybe what I told him was blunt, I told him honestly that I feel like we are flatmates who just run one household. He looked like angry or maybe I misinterpreted his expression. Maybe you can consult before having the conversation? With a therapist for example? Now I can see he is caring more about us and our relationship not only about the child.