Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm really struggling with my 21 year old son. He works full-time and gets overwhelmed all lot. It's to the detriment of his personal hygiene and health and I don't know what to do to help him. He doesn't brush his teeth, get his hair cut, or tidy / clean his room. His room is now absolutely full of stuff and you can't see the floor and the amount of dirt, dust, bacteria etc is too much, way too much. He also has bad allergies so this is only making them worse. He wont let me in his room at all. He really struggles to do anything other than be on his laptop, phone, or watching TV. If I dare interrupt him to just speak to him he gets short and angry. I've told him I will help withhis room, and we only need to do a bit at a time but he just won't have it. I'm constantly treading on eggshells. I've offered to pay for psychiatric help to help him function but doesn't want to do it. I've suggested he work part-time but he wont. It's affecting my mental health as well now and I just feel like giving up completely.
Has anybody got any tips, or is anyone going through anything similar?
NAS90011 said:Has anybody got any tips,
I assume he has an allowance - how about making this conditional on him completing a series of chores each week such as clearing his room?
For his personal hygiene it will probably take one of his peers or potential partner to point this out to him - he is at an age when you are just an annoyance so he won't take much interest in your opinions, but if you can find someone he respects to have a word then this may have more of a breakthrough.
This is a very common phase for tweenage males however. You have a few levers such as allowance and access to resources to use if you choose the carrot & stick approach.
When he fails to respect you and your home then I think you are quite justified in using this approach - it isn't abusing him but rather teaching a cause/effect and action/consequence lesson in how he has to behave to fit into society.
Cleaning clutter is an overwhelming thing to do, and if he's already feeling overwhelmed from work, he might not have energy for it, but he also doesn't want anyone to help clean his stuff because that can feel violating. As much as you're trying to be a helpful mother, just give him some space.