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social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Iain

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents

  • I used to avoid small talk, because it was a boring and an unintellectually stimulating topic to hear about from others, and I didn't think I needed it. I'd rather talk about about space, or about underwater exploration, than talk about boring things like small talk.

    But as I was developing more social skills and started using small talk, I've realized that other people only enjoy it, because they enjoy that you've taken the time to notice their existance, by initiating a conversation with them, by making them feel comfortable, and by taking the time to listen to them, and they deeply appreciate that. Over time they'll feel more comfortable and more confident to talk about other things, but during the first stages they're kind of too hesitant and too anxious to initiate conversations with people they don't know too much about, so small talk is a safe conversational topic that everyone will have some type of input on. 

  • in reply to Hullabaloo
    Hullabaloo said:
    Over time they'll feel more comfortable and more confident to talk about other things

    This is an important point - it is a filtering mechanism to weed out those who we don't want to socialise with and is probably who autistic people have such a hard time making friends.

    It is a process, not just a conversation and if we crave that contact of friendship with NTs then we need to get over the fact we are uninterested in it and focus more on the person we want to befriend instead.

    The flip side of this approach is that many of us also go into "special interest" mode about them which would equate to stalker mode in NT terms so a healthier balance needs to be found.

    It isn't easy to do but the rewards can be worth it and as points out, it brings a feeling of validation from the other person which is another thing many of us subconciously crave.

Reply
  • in reply to Hullabaloo
    Hullabaloo said:
    Over time they'll feel more comfortable and more confident to talk about other things

    This is an important point - it is a filtering mechanism to weed out those who we don't want to socialise with and is probably who autistic people have such a hard time making friends.

    It is a process, not just a conversation and if we crave that contact of friendship with NTs then we need to get over the fact we are uninterested in it and focus more on the person we want to befriend instead.

    The flip side of this approach is that many of us also go into "special interest" mode about them which would equate to stalker mode in NT terms so a healthier balance needs to be found.

    It isn't easy to do but the rewards can be worth it and as points out, it brings a feeling of validation from the other person which is another thing many of us subconciously crave.

Children
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