That feeling of not belonging/fitting in

I think I'd be sat on the sideliines being a gooseberry for all the activities you suggest, either that or I'd be cookiing everyone dinner.

I think I know who I would pick for conversation and maybe some activities in a bit scientific area, but for sure not just one lame game with balls to show how we unite. I would say if such meeting would take place it would be good to have various activities, something related to sport, something with computers and maybe games, movies… etc. but I guess it’s not a good idea in general so it just remains an idea 

Oh no, not the dreaded connection games with balls of wool, or some kind of pass the parcel or any of those other "games" to show people how connected they "really " are....not! We'd have the voluable, the monosylabic and those who can't communicate verbally, the competitive, the non competitive, we might as well sit their and play spin the bottle and get drunk, lol.

I appreciate that. It does feel like everything I've done is not good enough. 

 I never had much luck with a therapist. The last trained one I saw, via mental health services, openly told he was seeing  me because other mental health workers were fed up with me.  He also said to me 'If you want to  be a good person..' as though I was some kind of moral degenerate.

I've been i the psychiatric system since 1973 and it's only since moving to be near my daughter in September 2017 that I've been treated well . That's because my daughter set the record re a number of falsehoods about me that had become entrenched. That was done with the mental health services here in Wiltshire, before I moved from Essex.

In Essex I had a  mental health team ,including pdocs, who thought that being hypercritical and negative about me was a good proxy for proper help and support. I was seen as being passive aggressive and obstructive because I didn't fit the expected pattern of good at everything/bad at everything/average at everything.   There was zero awareness that that's not how it is for some of us.

I very much follow the common, but not universal , pattern among those who are autistic of adaptive functioning <IQ. There being a sizeable gap between the two. A lack of support for genuine difficulties  + struggling with the effects of bullying related trauma = psychologically toxic,highly damaging, brew.

Thank you! I really hope you will find the same in the end. 

 I hope this can be a place where you are able to feel that you belong.

HMO said:

I do fall into a "I'm not as good as these other people" trap often too.

I completely understand where you're coming from. It's so easy to compare ourselves to others and feel like we don't measure up.

Remember, you are your own biggest critic, and it's okay to be proud of yourself for how far you've come. You are more than good enough, just as you are.

My therapists words to me as this is something I also struggle with big time. 

Hello, I hear you and I understand how challenging it can be to feel like you don't quite fit in. It's important to remember that everyone's journey is unique, and comparing yourself to others can sometimes lead to unnecessary feelings of inadequacy. Your experiences and strengths are valuable in their own right, regardless of what others may have achieved. It's okay to have different paths and to require different kinds of support. Your worth is not defined by societal norms or other people's accomplishments. Remember to be kind to yourself and focus on your own growth and well-being, at your own pace.

firemonkey said:

I don't know whether it's because I'm not a pure autistic person, I also have severe mental illness, but I find it hard to fit in here. Others here seem to have no difficulty bonding with each other, and chatting like they've known each other for many years. That's a great social skill to have., but one I don't have. For want of a better phrase I'd say other posters  here are 'socially adept' in a way I'll never be.

This is something I feel really deeply. I don't fit in anywhere to be honest. I try hard to fit in but it doesn't feel right, I don't seem to gel with people and I'm not one of the group.

I think it's a really common thing for most with autism when trying to be accepted online and in person. I joined tonght to find acceptance, a place where I can be myself. 

I also suffer mentally and in the past didn't really fit in with other autistic people but I'm hoping for good stuff here. 

I'm hoping things will work out but already anxiety is saying it won't. 

*sighs*.

firemonkey said:

I do have a great 'chosen' family, what I like to call my 'chosen' family

.....then in my opinion, you are GOLDEN sir......especially if there are also weird-ass entities like me who also feel connected with you.  Always take the win!

Best and kindest regards

Number.

I'm a Green Party councillor, and being 'a simple spreader of information, to hopefully help others' is my life mission! The Labour Party are lucky to have you.

Physical limitations aside. I'd like to feel socially confident enough to take part in the branch meetings of my local Labour party. Severe social anxiety, and a pathological fear of making a  fool of myself, stays my hand.

I'd classify myself as a simple spreader of information, to hopefully help others. Something I've done for the last 25 years via RSS subscriptions. I say 'simple' because anyone of average intelligence could do it.

Yes! Exactly! I think maybe I would find some topic with someone but otherwise I would also be one of the sitting in the circle and wondering what to say should I say something or not etc. probably most of us would wonder the same thing. Unless there would be some activities where we could socialize without having to speak much. 

I'm 67, and probably on the downhill slide cognitively( normal aged related, not dementia) compared  to where I was at my peak. Even if I got past the bullying related trauma my marked executive functioning deficits  would wreck any chance of getting a degree. In an ideal world I'd like to have done PPE, and been a Labour MP. I use X to express my political opinions. Pragmatic socialist as opposed to Tory enabling, Corbynite, pseudo-socialist.

It's not something I've allowed to get into my head when it comes to this forum, but I absolutely have in other environments. And I feel too ashamed to raise it.

What I don't want is to guilt anyone into including me. If they don't want to, they don't want to.

I do fall into a "I'm not as good as these other people" trap often too.

I have a Degree, and still ended up a Bum; only my Grandfather's success kept me afloat.

However, Job lost everything; yet still had faith in God. Trust in infinite God, rather than Finite Humans/Authorities.

In my case it's not an issue/problem that's exclusive  to here, not by any means.  I've never been the most socially  skilled of people.  I'm naturally quite, but not wholly, asocial. I like some F2F interaction with others, but attempts to be more social  have been varying degrees of a failure. I do have a great 'chosen' family, what I like to call my 'chosen' family. There are no friends however, and little chance of there being any in the foreseeable future.

Physically I can't put myself out there to even attempt to socialise. I've not been out on my own since 2 falls  in October 2021 and a partial hip replacement in December 2021.It took 7 weeks to get suitable transport  to have an  x ray that showed I'd broken my femur, and that the pain was real not psychological.  I still get quite a bit of pain and use a rollator more often than not. Being upright for more than 15 minutes or so, and bad pain kicks in . I'm very risk avoidant, as another fall, with my premature osteoporosis, would be disastrous.

I had to move from where I was to here(ground floor kitchen-living room-diner for the over 55s), because a 1st floor flat was no longer suitable .

When I think of a "live" meeting, I wonder if we'd all end up sitting in a circle and say our names and special interest/s and then silence, maybe a few people would share an interest, but I think there'd be a fair few of us sat there wondering why we were there.

Good afternoon firemonkey,

I think you raise a really important point here - but also like you say......"words" are tricky on this subject.....I'm not sure I will be able to summon the right ones to convey a point that (frankly) I can't really explain to myself either!!

Whether you like it or not, whether you have noticed or not, and whether you care or not.......and for a reason that escapes my understanding.....I actually do feel kinda "bonded" and "friended" with you......plus a whole bundle of other contributors here who probably would be equally "weirded-out" by such a proclamation from me.

I am not telling you this to try and make you feel "better" or "less lonely" because I have no idea whether either of those terms apply to you, and even if they did, I would suspect that you might view me as "too normal" or "too easy with words" for these particular words to mean anything "real."

I do feel that I have made some "friends" here.....but perhaps (and I certainly feel that) most don't REALLY "feel" me as a friend, by my own definition, either!?........although I couldn't express that definition in words if I tried!

I think this gets to the heart of the matter....perhaps?!  You feel you have no connections here, yet I feel connected to you?!  We both have the same problem, albeit that our perceptions are diametrically opposed to each other....and yet the same?! WTAF?

Anyway, I don't want to get bogged down in my own words here......I will drown us both.....I just wanted to say that, for what its worth......I do "feel" you as someone who I am connected with......but have no idea why, how, nor how one could "formalise" that arrangement, if you so chose.....I have zero interest in building a network of "formal friends" in this place (in the publicized sense)......and rest assured that IRL I have, perhaps, 1 friend.....who incidentally, I have neither seen, written to, nor spoken to, in 2024.

I think this "whole matter" is just a very troublesome and a VERY real part of autism.

Your friend / mate / someone who cares whether you are happy or not / who notices if you are around or not / who watches out for your contributions here / a person who KNOWS you to be a bright cookie etc

Number.

SUPERSTAR!!

What incredible good work you're doing, anything like that is so important to move things along.

I will say though, I'm not "bonded" to anyone here either.  There are some familiar names which pop up, but I don't have any "friends" here.  That's not to say that I wouldn't accept an offer from someone, but I have a strange relationship with the internet, I completely accept I'm talking to a real human being right now, but it's such a weird way to do things.

I have had best friends in life, but because I don't see them anymore, then they're no longer my friends.  I'm not sure what it is, but if I don't physically interact with someone, then they aren't real to me.

I would have had to qualify that statement in the past with "hey I know I'm weird, but...", yet now I know it's an element of Autism and the perception of human interactions, so I'm totally cool with it.

I have a daughter, ALL of her friends are online friends from all over the world - I can honestly say I have absolutely no idea how she manages it all, bizarre