how do i control my behaviour and stop hurting those i care about???

If the scientists understood it better it would help. They seem to think it is all down to gaze aversion and can't seem to fathom why we still have problems when we look at or in the general direction of other people's faces (as if anyone can tell whether or not you are making eye contact).

Certainly facial expressions and voice intonations matter, but I don't think it is an exact science. 

I did buy lots of books on body language at one stage and they were no help at all.

I'm a habitual people watcher.  I try to be discrete but may not be always. I try to analyze the looks and expressions where two people are chatting - I sit in cafes sipping coffee, or on trains or buses, or anywhere basically I can sit and watch (I also try to confront and analyse noisy or unsettling places). I can work out there's something going on in a conversation, but after all that I couldn't offer you much in the way of rules.

I suspect that's why health professionals seem dismissive of the whole body language thing - it isn't something they do consciously, and they aren't aware of it happening, and it is likely to involve complex mental processing, which you cannot really expect to emulate.

The solution - I've read many postings on here saying the same thing - is you more or less have to take up acting. There are exaggerated gestures that actors use to convey the script they are talking through, where they have to artificially structure what they convey.

I was stuck on body language for years but at 41 I took up teaching - primarily lecturing, but tutorial, seminar and practical based teaching as well. Most people seemed to think I wouldn't manage but I did. I worked hard on lecture plans, worked out how to put it over and make it interesting both to me and my audience. I tend to go about it as an actor, using the dynamics of the room, changing my position and direction of talking and pitch, as if I was acting. It seemed to work, so I gradually carried it over into daily life. OK I'm a little bit thespian and over the top, but my confidence has grown with technique.

I find watching comedians helps, especially Billy Connolly for some reason.

OK I still don't know how to read other people's faces properly and I'm still in constant trouble because my tone, or facial expression or attitude isn't right for some people, but I blunder on regardless and most of the time it works.

As someone else has said on a posting today, don't be too self conscious about gaffs, you'll probably find most people don't pay as much attention to them as you think, and if your acting is good, that'll impress them enough to overcome any details.

Not perfect some days, bad days, in noisy rooms etc. But its all I've got....

If the scientists understood it better it would help. They seem to think it is all down to gaze aversion and can't seem to fathom why we still have problems when we look at or in the general direction of other people's faces (as if anyone can tell whether or not you are making eye contact).

Certainly facial expressions and voice intonations matter, but I don't think it is an exact science. 

I did buy lots of books on body language at one stage and they were no help at all.

I'm a habitual people watcher.  I try to be discrete but may not be always. I try to analyze the looks and expressions where two people are chatting - I sit in cafes sipping coffee, or on trains or buses, or anywhere basically I can sit and watch (I also try to confront and analyse noisy or unsettling places). I can work out there's something going on in a conversation, but after all that I couldn't offer you much in the way of rules.

I suspect that's why health professionals seem dismissive of the whole body language thing - it isn't something they do consciously, and they aren't aware of it happening, and it is likely to involve complex mental processing, which you cannot really expect to emulate.

The solution - I've read many postings on here saying the same thing - is you more or less have to take up acting. There are exaggerated gestures that actors use to convey the script they are talking through, where they have to artificially structure what they convey.

I was stuck on body language for years but at 41 I took up teaching - primarily lecturing, but tutorial, seminar and practical based teaching as well. Most people seemed to think I wouldn't manage but I did. I worked hard on lecture plans, worked out how to put it over and make it interesting both to me and my audience. I tend to go about it as an actor, using the dynamics of the room, changing my position and direction of talking and pitch, as if I was acting. It seemed to work, so I gradually carried it over into daily life. OK I'm a little bit thespian and over the top, but my confidence has grown with technique.

I find watching comedians helps, especially Billy Connolly for some reason.

OK I still don't know how to read other people's faces properly and I'm still in constant trouble because my tone, or facial expression or attitude isn't right for some people, but I blunder on regardless and most of the time it works.

As someone else has said on a posting today, don't be too self conscious about gaffs, you'll probably find most people don't pay as much attention to them as you think, and if your acting is good, that'll impress them enough to overcome any details.

Not perfect some days, bad days, in noisy rooms etc. But its all I've got....