17 year old getting worse

She might not be Autistic, they are getting these things wrong. Thus the DSM keeps changing, many who are Autistic aren't diagnosed and it's hard pressed to find better understanding of what key fundamental divergences are. The information is out there, but getting researchers across countries and cultures to see how these work together - when pattern thinking isn't your specialty... it appears we need more Autistic researchers!

If your daughter is able to read her peers, and doesn't find social-linguistics difficult, she might not be Autistic. The link between Au and ADHD is found in the biological difference with these 3 internal functions: Inhibition (gut-brain axis), Filtering (salience network) and Brain Signalling. Similarities will then surface as 'behaviours' in things like: 1. executive function difficulty, 2. a sense of timelessness rather than linear time (making it difficult to plan), 3. difficulty with emotional regulation and 4. feeling everything internal and external with a far greater intensity than peers due to less ability to filter incoming signals. Both can appear to also mature slower. The Autistic difference is often particular to a difficulty with social nuances and linguistics. Many ADHD tend to have EDS and a positive calming chemical response to things which act like speed (caffeine, Ritalin, etc.). ADHD will have greater Anxiety by default in that they can sense-perceive social pressures along with being a mismatch for modern society yet have SO much untapped potential. A ton of medical papers are finding both have biological anxiety from less GABA, which I've been taking a nootropics blend (with Reishi and Lion's Mane) for nearly 30 years to personally help. 

So to start, she might be responding appropriately to how she is being intensely impacted. However, being autistic I've had to learn to remove myself from situations which are harmful or cause intense frustration or feel like assault - and are sensory assault. While torture is illegal for prisoners, many of us are exposed to dangerous levels of volatile compounds, noise and light levels which should be illegal.  Misophonia is hard, it pathologies a person when there are real things in the world which are causing deafness at an alarming rate, and rude, selfish individuals at large. Why should I be pathologised when a male gets on a quiet bus and has an alarmingly loud conversation on his phone in any language? Or just opens a pack of crisps in a library in the research section. I don't think I'm the problem, here. And some men weren't ever told no or shown how to behave in public. However, I would advise downloading a Decibel Reader to your phone. It's important if there are sounds she's having trouble with at frequencies which you may have lost hearing to (this happens to most adults).

As a parent, I did insist my son get through school, so I understand. Steadfastness is a good principle. But he's always felt it was a waste. He wasn't ready and the course was completely wrong. There were some things he got out of it, but it would've been better for him to have had the help needed and not finish near the bottom of his class. I do feel for students these days. All the good professors are stepping back from teaching as the system continues to sound like 1984.

It's important to note that Divergent kids grow different. I have tried to help my son focus more on becoming a person with integrity and ethics first. He can get a drivers license later. Internal growth saves breaking down. Learning to identify sensory difficulty and trouble shoot impact it saves a great deal. If I were to design schools for these kids, they would spend far more time learning life-lessons and practical skills. Philosophy and Physics, literature and crafting. Self-directed learning, sport and a little bit of Symbolic Logic.

I'm not sure I know many autistic / ADHD young adults who have a plan beyond getting through the day. Learning to envision long-term and short term tasks is something everyone needs to learn. But with ADHD, finishing tasks can be near impossible. In fact, I find that with my ADHD friends, they can start a million ideas and I can finish them. The ADHD - Au pairing can bring about great success. I can't sleep with a lack of resolve and don't always have the multitude of ideas they may have. Perhaps she needs a dyslexic or autistic friend who's a serious task finisher.

But what is the MOST important thing here is not to add overwhelming mountains of looming life things or we can get stuck in Survival Mode. I might suggest you have her write down 10 easily accomplishable things within this year and 10 things she'd like to accomplish over the next 10 years. Then pop it into an envelope and don't open it for 10 years. This may take a few weeks to write, but it will help her begin to dream beyond her situation and perhaps give her something to eventually work toward. In order to dream we need to be able to breathe and our society can make that near impossible at this point in history.  It's ok to not know what to do and to let our kids just be messy. They'll someday thank us for not abandoning them at their worst. x

Hi NAS93123 (it would be helpful if you could assign yourself a nickname, by the way, so that other people posting can recognise you )

First, you're not a "rubbish mum" - you obviously care or you wouldn't be trying to find out how to help her. What I'm going to say may be difficult for you to accept, but it's coming from that same place of wanting to help. Just a very brief bit of background about me - I'm a female in my 60s on the spectrum, with an ND partner who has extreme noise sensitivity.

These are my thoughts on what may be driving your daughter's behaviour:

- She thinks she has been mis-diagnosed: teenage years are really hard, with extreme pressure to "fit in". She may be trying to ditch the "label" as she feels it makes her look different. Maybe she had a negative reaction from another student at college (someone she had just met, who wasn't a friend from school) that impacted her self esteem.

- Noise sensitivities: these are linked to, and will be worsened by, anxiety. A difficult commute and then spending all day in an environment where she doesn't feel she fits in and doesn't enjoy the course she is on, could make her life feel unbearable.

- Medication: you say she was medicated for ADHD, but not whether she is on any medication now. If she has recently come off medication, this could be affecting her behaviour.

So, I'm afraid that my advice would be to allow her to drop out of college. I understand what you say about the real world being hard, but that's why we have the official diagnosis route - so that people who have support needs are recognised and given support. Some autistic people cannot work and some cannot deal with school or college environments - that needs to be acknowledged and accepted. I hated school and sixth form college, and left the college after a year (I was supposed to be there 2 years) as in the first year I became severely depressed and ended up on antidepressants. I didn't know what I wanted to do either - I just got a job in an office and went back to education later, studying mostly through distance learning.

I think that if you tell her you are open to discussing her leaving the college course, it will lessen her anxiety and she may respond to you better. Then sit down with her and ask her what she wants to do/ what interests her. Maybe she could do a distance learning course, or she might be interested in doing some part time charity work near to home, which would look good on a future C.V.  Remind her that she doesn't need to tell anyone she is on the spectrum if she doesn't feel comfortable doing that.

Also, discuss whether she feels it would be helpful for her to take anti anxiety medication to help her cope, and if so, offer to accompany her to a GP appointment if she needs support.

I hope that I have come up with some ideas that will help, and I hope things improve.

Hi, this is a tough situation for all involved and I would really REALLY recommend you speak to a therapist who is considerate of neurodivergency. The way you’re writing about her suggests you are all at breaking point and it is very hard to get back from this and really needs professional help.

I had a similar experience when I was 17- going from a very structured school day to college is difficult, not to mention the changing social situation that she probably feels nervous about and potentially ill-equipped to handle. This time period is also a ‘hotspot’ for autistic burnout imo- pushing hard to do 16yo exams, navigate 11-16yo friendships, puberty- it’s exhausting! The fact she is struggling with misophonia more as well just suggests to me that she’s absolutely exhausted. Rejecting the ASD diagnosis is also familiar- although I was diagnosed later than your daughter (15) I found it absolutely grating at that age, as it was used as a “well of course you feel like this because you have autism” (from college/mental health services/parents) but then no extra support/actual consideration for the fact I might struggle/no leeway was given to me- it’s easy to feel like there’s no point in having a diagnosis when all it’s used for is to patronise you. 
An art/textiles course does not have to be a be-all end-all. I would recommend sitting down and finding a time when she is not feeling totally exhausted and frustrated or anxious about the week (maybe during the holidays? Saturdays also work better than Sundays as the ‘Monday anxiety’ will exacerbate tension between you)- let her vent a bit to you, appreciate that she feels safe to express her feelings to you (even if it seems like she’s just berating you!), and discuss what alternatives are available. It might be that taking a year out and applying to another course is what’s needed, or choosing something else she’d be more interested in. Explain to her why you feel it’s important she does higher education/learning (depending what your feelings are it might be that ‘learning a language’ or ‘volunteering’ could be acceptable ideas- this one’s up to you) and try to work out a compromise. 
I hope she can find something that works for her, it’s such a difficult position to be in and I recognise it all too well. Just remember that she’s likely pressuring herself a lot more than you realise, and having autism/ADHD (both or either!) in this world is absolutely EXHAUSTING!