It makes no sense!

Why do people think that if they ask the same question over and over again the answer will be different?

Why can't people answer a straight question? I don't mean something personal that I'm being inappropriate about, but something simple like does this cake contain dairy products? A simple yes, no, or I don't know would be fine, it dosen't need to be complicated by them asking what sort of dairy I mean, or telling me, it's gluten free.

Oh yes, Fine:- F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic (and) Egotistical.

Many of my examples are personal, but one of the things I've found in regard to food is that people do get very worked up about it. When a group of friends or collegues want to go out for a meal and pick a restaurant where theres nothing I like or can eat, I'm happy for them to go with out me and say so, I tell them I don't want them to always feel they have to accomodate my needs. That seems to be unacceptable and a great debate is needed, all of it focussed on me, my needs are seen as both inconvienient and needing to be met, other people then complain and a load of resentment happens, all aimed at me of course as I'm the one with "the problem". Why can' tthey just take me at my word and go without me?

I get that respecting the dead is what a funeral is about, as well as respecting the grief of the living, about the rituals associated with letting go and the transition from being alive to being dead.  Actually mortuary rituals are something that quite fascinate me, there are so many and have been so many over time, but I still don't understand why a hearse has to be driven so slowly?

T said:

If that were true, I don't know why extracting so much money from the bereaved is a central part.

This is just how human greed has crept into what is typically a very personal event - there is little competition for undertakers and they do charge a lot for what they do, but typically you have little choice and everybody expects you to follow the social contract and do it.

That is why lots of people have funeral insurance when they get older so it is not a cost to be borne by the survivors.

I have an uncle who lives in the highlands of Scotland and when his wife died (about 20 years ago) they had agreed to buy the coffin in advance (used for storing spare bedsheets etc at home) and when it came to the funderal he put the coffin in the back of his Volvo estate and drove to the cemetery where his sons and him carried it to the grave and lowered it in.

Very down to earth and he asked all the guests to not send flowers but to make a donation to the cancer charity that had helped her in the final stages of her illness.

You can buck the trend but it takes a lot of planning as there are lots of laws covering the handling of dead bodies and their disposal. Getting the right message out is also important to avoid being seen as a skinflint and/or weirdo.

Amerantin (former member) said:

Assume you meant neurodivergent?

I did. Apologies for the mistake.

Assume you meant neurodivergent?

If that were true, I don't know why extracting so much money from the bereaved is a central part. A ceremony to say goodbye can be very useful, but when it's surrounded by "but how can you get closure without spending an insane amount on flowers, coffins (and whatever other extras you'd fork out for if you loved them at all)?" it's hard to buy the positive psychological side as the centre. 

Amerantin (former member) said:

Didn't feel anything, felt like i was watching it from somewhere else. It was an item ticked off on a list of things i had to do

As you are posting on an forum for autism then I assume you are neurotypical.

A common issue for neurotypicals is emotional dysregulation - quite possibly what was at play here as it corresponds to your interaction with the situation.

At my parents' funerals I sort of disassociated. Didn't feel anything, felt like i was watching it from somewhere else. It was an item ticked off on a list of things i had to do.

Amerantin (former member) said:

I've always struggled with the concept of funerals - they are an ordeal for an already traumatised family to get past before they can grieve in private.

They are actually about helping the family find closure - creating a physical process witness by all that the body has been honoured, family and friends have paid their respects and the body put in the grave / incinirator to create a commonly acknowledged end to the act.

Now the person has been "put to rest" - and you, the family, can move to the next phase of the grieving process which is to rebuild your lives.

When this is not observed a lot of people struggle to process the grief and the pain of loss lingers for much longer.

It is old school headology and it does work in most cases.

There's a lot of social rules which I don't get at first glance but make sense eventually. Most of them don't bother me so much, although I think the OP's examples seem to be somewhat unique experiences.

Iain said:

What it comes down to for us is that we tend to not "get" these social contracts - we need to have them explained and often ask questions "but why?"

I understand the social contract, the tradition, that it's the done thing. But I've always struggled with the concept of funerals - they are an ordeal for an already traumatised family to get past before they can grieve in private. I'm sure plenty of neurotypicals would feel the same.

terribly disrespectful.

Respecting the dead is what the funeral is all about - not just getting a slab of rotting meat into a hole in the ground as fast as possible.

The whole procession is the chance for people to show their respect for the person who died - to deliberately take time out of their day to slow things down, reflect on the value of that persons life and show you understand the social contract that everyone follows by following suit.

When there are horses involved then you have to be a complete a-hole to go whizzing by and potentially spook the horses anyway.

What it comes down to for us is that we tend to not "get" these social contracts - we need to have them explained and often ask questions "but why?"

Taking 5 mins to search online for an expanation is all it takes, so we don't really have an excuse in this day and age to not find out fast.

I think that maybe NTs think that you don’t mean what you say, because they themselves often behave this way, so they assume you do the same. For me the most ridiculous question in a small talk is “how are you” I finally figured out that they don’t actually want me to say, how I really am. It’s just a social norm in NT world. I just got used to it, although it never stopped intriguing me. People usually asses other according to their own standards. For example If someone is a liar, they gonna assume that all people around constantly lie. It’s not that I think that all NT people are liars. Just an example. About Chinese food I don’t know why it’s an issue for anyone. Anyone may like/ dislike certain types of food doesn’t matter NT or ND.

TheCatWoman said:

Why are bodies meant to be contorted to fit clothes rather than clothes made to fit bodies?

Great point!

TheCatWoman said:

Thanks AA that was exactly what I was meaning.

Thought so! It’s good to question social norms that’s what leads to change and our neurodivergent community naturally is very good at this.

Thanks AA that was exactly what I was meaning.

Debbie, I do know the people fairly well and well enough for them to know my dietry tastes and needs.

All transport was horse drawn at one stage, hearses no exception, but why is it disrespectful?

Why does 2+2=4?

Why when I ask to try on a shoe in a size 8, does the assistant come back with a size 5 and ask me if I'd like to try it?

Why are bodies meant to be contorted to fit clothes rather than clothes made to fit bodies?

Why are womens trousers so short in the legs? People and women are getting taller not shorter clothing manufacturers seem to be trying to put the genie back in the bottle but insisting that a normal leg length is 27" and 31 is extra long when they're still to short for me?

I've seen a funeral in Portsmouth with a glass carriage and the beautifully dressed horses.

Yes, I've seen that at Cockington (Near Torquay), it felt very respectful.

Ben

Martin said:

Also, taking someone's remains to their eternal rest at high speed, like they had an appointment, seems illogical.

And terribly disrespectful.

There is a funeral parlour near where I live and there is always a chap who walks in front for a while before getting into the vehicle.

I find it quite moving.

I've seen a funeral in Portsmouth with a glass carriage and the beautifully dressed horses.

That's a very special experience.

Slowness and thoughtfulness are totally appropriate for remembering the departed.

Just a thought that maybe TheCatWoman is asking these questions as we are more likely to question these conventions than neurotypical people?

I have to ask because these types of questions perplex me.

Why do  you believe that the examples you have listed are all neurotypical (I assume this is what you mean by NT world?).

How do you know that when these conventions were developing, neurodivergent people weren't involved?

The world is made up of all sorts of people, not just NTs.

I'm assuming though that the people who are discussing your garden + your food taste with you are known by you to be NTs (so you must know them very well).