I wish I could stop "wallowing in it"

Hi Eponine, you're in a tricky position it would seem.

If I could venture to suggest, low self esteem and lack of self confidence, which seem to be commen features of being at the spectrum, are going to make things stay bad unless you can reverse the situation.

The ability to focus on a special interest seems also to make it easier to focus on negatives, other people's criticisms, feeling of inadequacy, self pity etc. Also the need to explain social situations, which would be more resolvable for an NT, means you are prone to analysing things said or things that happened to you far beyond what should be necessary. You may even be thinking through all the consequences, way beyond reality. That means you are going to be very prone to "negative reinforcement", thoughts that confirm previous negative thoughts that justify previous negative thoughts, plunging you into permanent and irretrievable gloom.

I also think that in these situations the brain produces chemicals that encourage it to happen. There does seem to be evidence that people in these situations become more responsive to negative comments, and actually crave being rubbished and criticised by people around them.

So what you have to try to do is reverse the process, which will take time. You need to try to break the negative thoughts, and that will not be easy. But once you start doing this you can progressively ease things. Some people flick their ear lobe, or snap a rubber band on the inside of their wrist, or you use a sharp word or phrase to yourself that interrupts your thoughts. In time you'll just be able to interrupt yourself often enough to make life easier. 

The other thing is to try to improve your confidence. Again not easy but it is vital you have positive ideas about yourself. Keep a notebook and write down the good things that happen, and when you feel low, read back over the last week. Hopefully there will be enough, in time, to counteract feeling low. Try to give yourself little rewards. They say take up a hobby or a sport, not necessarily that easy, but there are sports that aren't "social" and aren't so dependent on coordination. Go for a brisk walk when you feel low.

The bullying is also resolvable. There seems to be widespread misunderstanding about the kind of bullying that most affects people on the spectrum, largely because it is social exclusion bullying, which involves numbers of peers, and assumes, if you were an NT, that you can be bullied to fit in better, "knock off difficult corners". Whether it works for NTs and there's plenty of evidence it doesn't, this kind of collective bullying is extremely harmful to people on the spectrum.

You're expected to fit in to NT social networks. If you don't fit or are different in some way you will become a target for social retribution. They'll actually think they're doing right to outcast you - after all it is central to Christian teaching, if someone doesn't fit - doesn't worship the right way. It extends to social acceptability.

Paull desribes the more conventional form of bullying, where one or several people intimidate others, relying on the majority to "turn a blind eye" - ignore what's going on for fear they'll get bullied one day. So extortion, persecution and physical abuse is quite common in schools and involves several bullies exploiting weaker kids. Collective exclusion bullying is very different because a lot of an individual's peers decide to be nasty to an individual they see as not fitting in to their ways.

Unfortunately this sort of bullying is much less well understood, although name calling and use of mobile phone and computer network bullying has been addressed. It annoys me how many anti-bullying charities and teachers fail to understand collective exclusion bullying properly.

This sort of bullying isn't alleviated by hitting back or by ignoring and trying to show you are unaffected.

I think you have to try to conform a bit more, even as a token gesture, and try not to provide the excuses. But that's immensely difficult - the AS makes it very difficult to conform, or to see how to make the changes you might need. You really need to find a mentor, maybe your school if approached, is aware of their obligations to set up something like this.

I wish NAS and other organisations would wake up to this kind of bullying and address it properly, as tackling it would alleviate the misery and long term damage endured by many people on the spectrum.

Moderators please take note. I'm asking NAS to take this seriously.

Hi Eponine, you're in a tricky position it would seem.

If I could venture to suggest, low self esteem and lack of self confidence, which seem to be commen features of being at the spectrum, are going to make things stay bad unless you can reverse the situation.

The ability to focus on a special interest seems also to make it easier to focus on negatives, other people's criticisms, feeling of inadequacy, self pity etc. Also the need to explain social situations, which would be more resolvable for an NT, means you are prone to analysing things said or things that happened to you far beyond what should be necessary. You may even be thinking through all the consequences, way beyond reality. That means you are going to be very prone to "negative reinforcement", thoughts that confirm previous negative thoughts that justify previous negative thoughts, plunging you into permanent and irretrievable gloom.

I also think that in these situations the brain produces chemicals that encourage it to happen. There does seem to be evidence that people in these situations become more responsive to negative comments, and actually crave being rubbished and criticised by people around them.

So what you have to try to do is reverse the process, which will take time. You need to try to break the negative thoughts, and that will not be easy. But once you start doing this you can progressively ease things. Some people flick their ear lobe, or snap a rubber band on the inside of their wrist, or you use a sharp word or phrase to yourself that interrupts your thoughts. In time you'll just be able to interrupt yourself often enough to make life easier. 

The other thing is to try to improve your confidence. Again not easy but it is vital you have positive ideas about yourself. Keep a notebook and write down the good things that happen, and when you feel low, read back over the last week. Hopefully there will be enough, in time, to counteract feeling low. Try to give yourself little rewards. They say take up a hobby or a sport, not necessarily that easy, but there are sports that aren't "social" and aren't so dependent on coordination. Go for a brisk walk when you feel low.

The bullying is also resolvable. There seems to be widespread misunderstanding about the kind of bullying that most affects people on the spectrum, largely because it is social exclusion bullying, which involves numbers of peers, and assumes, if you were an NT, that you can be bullied to fit in better, "knock off difficult corners". Whether it works for NTs and there's plenty of evidence it doesn't, this kind of collective bullying is extremely harmful to people on the spectrum.

You're expected to fit in to NT social networks. If you don't fit or are different in some way you will become a target for social retribution. They'll actually think they're doing right to outcast you - after all it is central to Christian teaching, if someone doesn't fit - doesn't worship the right way. It extends to social acceptability.

Paull desribes the more conventional form of bullying, where one or several people intimidate others, relying on the majority to "turn a blind eye" - ignore what's going on for fear they'll get bullied one day. So extortion, persecution and physical abuse is quite common in schools and involves several bullies exploiting weaker kids. Collective exclusion bullying is very different because a lot of an individual's peers decide to be nasty to an individual they see as not fitting in to their ways.

Unfortunately this sort of bullying is much less well understood, although name calling and use of mobile phone and computer network bullying has been addressed. It annoys me how many anti-bullying charities and teachers fail to understand collective exclusion bullying properly.

This sort of bullying isn't alleviated by hitting back or by ignoring and trying to show you are unaffected.

I think you have to try to conform a bit more, even as a token gesture, and try not to provide the excuses. But that's immensely difficult - the AS makes it very difficult to conform, or to see how to make the changes you might need. You really need to find a mentor, maybe your school if approached, is aware of their obligations to set up something like this.

I wish NAS and other organisations would wake up to this kind of bullying and address it properly, as tackling it would alleviate the misery and long term damage endured by many people on the spectrum.

Moderators please take note. I'm asking NAS to take this seriously.