wedding envy

If you don’t mind me asking, did you need to go through a series of rejections before finding your wife?

Emotional maturity doesn't preclude epic silliness, as anyone who has seen my scarily life-like ape impression could testify. No, the emotional maturity I mean is in being willing to take emotional risks, to be emotionally available and above all to risk rejection and damage to one's amour propre, in pursuit of a meaningful relationship. I have come to the belief that for autistic men at least, to have a real chance at gaining a romantic relationship of any worth we have to be much braver than our allistic peers. Most allistic men can tell when a woman finds them attractive and they take fewer risks in asking a woman for a date. We have little or no unconscious abilities in that field, so we have to have more courage than they do in order to make an initial romantic overture.

Sporadic Sparkly said:

On the topic of weddings, I'm aware that it seems to have become the norm amongst the muggles (NTs) to have a week-long hen or stag do in a foreign location, and/or have more than one event. Personally, I consider it excessive. In the event that I ever meet someone who is crazy enough to want to marry me, I think I would be more than happy if my hen do (if I could be bothered to have one) consisted of a night in sharing a takeaway with one or two of my closest friends.

I mean I don't see why it needs to cost lots of money. The idea is to mark the occasion with something exciting.  Like a bucket list of single life or something. To mark the ocasion by doing stuff so memerable you'll think to yourself years later wow that was an amasingway to round out that phase of my life.

Sporadic Sparkly said:

What mattered to them was the presence of family and friends on their wedding day. In addition, I think gift lists can put a lot of unwanted financial pressure on guests, especially if there's the expense of buying a new outfit, staying overnight in a hotel, etc.

I think it is kind of thoughtful to give gifts but I don't like the idea of lists either. Because it tells you something about your relationships and it's nice to see what they thought about you. Yeah it really is the thought that counts.

I'm prity sure a lack of mature behavior is one of my must have criteria for girlfriend material anyway. I think It's probably one of the things that makes dating tougher for me. I don't really act my age and I'm not really atracted to people who do either.

Single people die younger than married people. Loneliness is as deadly as smoking cigarettes.

I saw how vulnerable my parents became towards the end of their lives and it terrifies me that I’ll go through that alone.

I can get rid of shoes after one wear cos I no longer like them, marriage has never been in my sparse commitment list either. That's not to say I'm fiercely loyal to all I love.

And isn't it a shame when our honesty is detrimental to us!

I actually have the opposite of wedding envy- every time a friend gets married I think "this sounds like an absolute nightmare, I'm glad I didn't do it!"

It was a conscious choice to opt out for me though- I have a long-term partner and we decided to have a civil partnership ceremony with just the witnesses present. There's no way either of us (one autistic, one AuDHD) could have planned a big wedding, and we didn't want one, so we didn't bother having one.

I imagine my feelings on this could have been very different if I was the last single friend left though. It's hard to feel like people are moving onto another stage of life and leaving you behind.

In 20 years, older wiser and married, you may look on at others in your now situation and wish you could have told yourself this, being single vs being with someone life really isn't that much different when you weigh up the pros and cons of being either. 

Your life partner you will find, I hope they turn out to be all you wish for x

I too have experienced wedding envy Peter. In September last year, I felt envious when a cousin of mine got married. More so than when friends of mine have tied the knot. The cousin (male) is just over a year older than my son and had met his wife 10 years previously through a mutual friend at university. As I am considerably older than all of my cousins, I had spent my late teens and twenties believing that I would be the first of us to tie the knot. Earlier this year, I was informed via the family grapevine that another cousin (female) had got engaged.

However, whilst I confess to feeling envious of my two cousins, I also feel happy that they are with people that they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

On the topic of weddings, I'm aware that it seems to have become the norm amongst the muggles (NTs) to have a week-long hen or stag do in a foreign location, and/or have more than one event. Personally, I consider it excessive. In the event that I ever meet someone who is crazy enough to want to marry me, I think I would be more than happy if my hen do (if I could be bothered to have one) consisted of a night in sharing a takeaway with one or two of my closest friends.

The majority of married couples I know lived with their significant other before they married. During the past decade, I have attended two weddings where both couples stated they had no need for gifts. What mattered to them was the presence of family and friends on their wedding day. In addition, I think gift lists can put a lot of unwanted financial pressure on guests, especially if there's the expense of buying a new outfit, staying overnight in a hotel, etc.

I have a friend (now divorced) who got married in 2013, and I can honestly say that during the months leading up to the wedding, she was an absolute nightmare, not helped by the fact that she had left a lot of the wedding preparations until the last minute. I know the preparations can be stressful for many couples, but I'd like to think that I would be more organised if I was to ever get married.

Im still trying to make sense of it at aged 59! I have never had a second family. An extra mum and dad. That would have been lovely. We have to make the best of what we have. But some marry for the wrong reasons; to avoid being on their own, financial reasons, some are opportunistic. I have never been of that mindset. Because we neurodiverse are more genuine and honest? X

People have asked me that too. “you’re a nice guy, why didn’t you get married”. One of my work colleagues regularly encourages me to join a dating website saying that I look great for my age, have plenty of money etc and that I’d be a great catch.

And yet actual humans just look through me like I’m not there.

I’ve always felt that fate / the universe had just blackballed me, excluded me from what everyone else regards as a basic human need.

And yet I see people at work cheating on their wives and generally not being good people, but women continue to regard them as the better option.

edit: I hope that didn’t sound like an anti-women comment. It certainly wasn’t meant to be. I have only ever blamed myself. But I just don’t understand.

I didnt think marriage applied to me, now that must be my autistic self. I thought it was something other people did. I couldnt understand why friends married, some twice, yet i didnt think they were as nice a person as me. When i was invited to weddings, i didnt really like the parade of it all. I didnt quite get how 2 strangers would commit them selves in this way. I think its sad, but it doesnt make me sad as i have never thought any different. Is this as a result of my autistic brain? Some say...but why gave you never married? Your so nice???

I have been married for 27 years, so I do not feel any envy on that account. I do, however, feel that it took me longer than my neurotypical friends to reach the emotional maturity where marriage becomes a serious option..

I feel envious too Peter, albeit of the marriage and the life not the actual wedding (the ceremony would terrify me!).

I hate getting invited to weddings too, although that happens very rarely. Being the sad single person at weddings just makes my self-consciousness go through the roof.

But the idea of having someone to live with and just go through all the daily trials and tribulations of life with is very appealing indeed. Fate just seems to have deemed me not deserving of it.