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Women and gay men

Theendingofhismiddleliving

Hello,

I hope I am not too awkward. I could discuss things in my past, but that would be very complicated. I am more inclined to talk about something very recent. 

People in other forums have found me offensive, and it is hard for me to understand why. This terrifies me, since I am afraid of doing the wrong thing. If people start to attack me, I will disappear. 

I have been taking ketamine infusions in a psychiatric clinic on a regular basis. During this experience, things "come up," which seems to mean that normally repressed material becomes conscious. In a few recent infusions, I've noticed that I seem to be bothered by some scorn and really intense hatred that I have received from women in my life. (My mother being a dramatic exception.) Men hate me too, but women's hatred seems to be especially emotional and out of control. One thing that is especially jarring about this is that I am a gay man, and stereotypically I should get along with women really well. It is disturbing, and actually rather frightening, how women actually treat me. I haven't got much feedback as to why I am so offensive, but some people -- men actually -- have observed that I am "too nerdy" or "too nervous." 

Given that I'm gay, you might wonder why I would care if women hate me or not. But it is disconcerting to be attacked by anyone, and my ketamine experiences seem to indicate that this is a genuine issue for me. So I asked my psychotherapist why this should be the case. He informed me that women hate gay men, because they see them as not being real men. This made no sense to me, since women are actually supposed to get along with gay men really well. I even showed my therapist an article about how scientists find this fact so striking that they are trying to study it: https://theconversation.com/the-science-behind-why-so-many-women-want-to-befriend-gay-men-51965

After he read this, denied that he had ever said that women hated gay men. To the best of my recollection, he then said the following:

"I did not say that women hate gay men. I said that hysterical women hate gay men. Neurosis takes two forms: hysteria and obsessiveness. Most neurotic women are hysterical. Most neurotic men are obsessive. The hysterical woman feels that she needs a phallus. A phallus is not a penis. The phallus has absolutely nothing to do with the penis. Mistaking the phallus for the penis is a terrible mistake, it is completely wrong. The phallus is Nietzsche's will to power. The phallus is completion. Hysterical women desperately need a phallus. They hate gay men, because they see them as dickless men."

I feel bad about this "explanation." I don't feel that it answers my original question as to why I make women so angry. The real question is why gay men typically have experiences with women that are completely opposite to mine. I don't feel that my therapist has explained this. I can tell myself that hysterical women hate me, but then I still don't understand why so many women hate me because I don't understand why I keep crossing paths with hysterical women. Furthermore, how do hysterical women even know that I am gay? I don't broadcast it. 

Before hearing my therapist's "explanation," I was a bit more inclined to think that women are sensitive to certain social cues that men are less sensitive to. I was also thinking that I very bad with those cues, thus sending women the wrong signal. But I can't be more specific than that, because I really don't understand it. 

Parents

  • As an older Irish gay man from a Catholic background living in the U.K. 21 years who is generally out as gay to everyone, even before my diagnosis, I’m absolutely astonished to read something like this in this day and age - even after my diagnosis, I’ve not had any adverse reactions to my being gay from straight NT women (that perhaps they would admit to at least) and if anything, it was probably the later in life diagnosis in 2021 via Zoom that created issues (if any) - I’ve always been in the public eye, relatively confident and a “people person” and if you met me, you would probably think of me as being quite classy, as this is the image that I try to project - for this reason, I tend to get along with girls and women better than other men, including other gay men, as trying to interact with other men can be a chore and since my diagnosis, I’ve gained a lot of straight women friends who know that I have the diagnosis and am openly gay at my stage in life and this even extends to teenage girls who despite my condition prefer to hang out with me because I’m gay 

  • in reply to IrishInManchesterUK

    I'm seriously thinking of not seeing the therapist today, although I will pay him for not giving earlier notice. My psychiatrists, however, (I actually have three, if you include the two who work in the clinic) insist that I have to be in psychotherapy while receiving ketamine. I doubt that I can find a new therapist just like that, at the drop of a hat. One nice thing about seeing a therapist in Brazil, as opposed to an online therapist in someplace like North America or Europe, is that the Brazilians are cheap and I am unemployed. But Brazilian therapists seem to be divided rather dichotomously into two groups: Skinnerians and classical psychoanalysts. The therapists themselves have even told me so. Frankly, I don't want a Skinnerian. 

  • in reply to Theendingofhismiddleliving

    Online therapists are normally available within a week or so of making contact from my experience - they vary in price from R$250 - R$1,000+ depending on their specialisation - this is for those with experience of dealing with autists.

    I have family here in Brazil who have been using therapists and psychologists for years and their experience is that they largely tell you mostly what you want to hear in a way that you keep coming back for repeat business.

    It took a lot of searching and seeking recommendations to find one who was able to effectively help a family member who had issues and it was on their 7th therapist that they realised the issue and had him undergo testing to confirm he was bipolar. The treatment with medication has made the world of difference for him, but the previous 6 therapists who missed this after sometimes years of therapy is shocking.

    With the local language barrier for you too I would recommend looking to the US or UK for a therapist.

    If you want to find a therapist in your time zone, have a look at:

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

    you can search by the areas you prefer the accents in if you like but once in that region level, select the option for ISSUES and select autism to find those who have skills in dealing with those issues and have a look at rates and their profiles to see if they seem like a good fit.

  • in reply to Blueberry

    I have switched to a new therapist who is probably better. However, I will say that my psychoanalyst would see me twice a week online. My new therapist only sees me once a week. I can't help but point out that I feel lonelier now.  

  • in reply to Theendingofhismiddleliving

    Good for you. I've just read through this thread and I think getting a new therapist was definitely good advice. Just in case you want another female perspective, I agree with some of the posts above - that if women do have a problem with you then it's probably got nothing to do with the fact that you're gay. I have no idea what they are picking up on, but I hope you manage to work it out. We're not all bad Nerd

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    If you want to find a therapist in your time zone, have a look at:

    Thank you. I have done this. In fact, I have an appointment with someone new this Thursday. 

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