Hello,
I hope I am not too awkward. I could discuss things in my past, but that would be very complicated. I am more inclined to talk about something very recent.
People in other forums have found me offensive, and it is hard for me to understand why. This terrifies me, since I am afraid of doing the wrong thing. If people start to attack me, I will disappear.
I have been taking ketamine infusions in a psychiatric clinic on a regular basis. During this experience, things "come up," which seems to mean that normally repressed material becomes conscious. In a few recent infusions, I've noticed that I seem to be bothered by some scorn and really intense hatred that I have received from women in my life. (My mother being a dramatic exception.) Men hate me too, but women's hatred seems to be especially emotional and out of control. One thing that is especially jarring about this is that I am a gay man, and stereotypically I should get along with women really well. It is disturbing, and actually rather frightening, how women actually treat me. I haven't got much feedback as to why I am so offensive, but some people -- men actually -- have observed that I am "too nerdy" or "too nervous."
Given that I'm gay, you might wonder why I would care if women hate me or not. But it is disconcerting to be attacked by anyone, and my ketamine experiences seem to indicate that this is a genuine issue for me. So I asked my psychotherapist why this should be the case. He informed me that women hate gay men, because they see them as not being real men. This made no sense to me, since women are actually supposed to get along with gay men really well. I even showed my therapist an article about how scientists find this fact so striking that they are trying to study it: https://theconversation.com/the-science-behind-why-so-many-women-want-to-befriend-gay-men-51965
After he read this, denied that he had ever said that women hated gay men. To the best of my recollection, he then said the following:
"I did not say that women hate gay men. I said that hysterical women hate gay men. Neurosis takes two forms: hysteria and obsessiveness. Most neurotic women are hysterical. Most neurotic men are obsessive. The hysterical woman feels that she needs a phallus. A phallus is not a penis. The phallus has absolutely nothing to do with the penis. Mistaking the phallus for the penis is a terrible mistake, it is completely wrong. The phallus is Nietzsche's will to power. The phallus is completion. Hysterical women desperately need a phallus. They hate gay men, because they see them as dickless men."
I feel bad about this "explanation." I don't feel that it answers my original question as to why I make women so angry. The real question is why gay men typically have experiences with women that are completely opposite to mine. I don't feel that my therapist has explained this. I can tell myself that hysterical women hate me, but then I still don't understand why so many women hate me because I don't understand why I keep crossing paths with hysterical women. Furthermore, how do hysterical women even know that I am gay? I don't broadcast it.
Before hearing my therapist's "explanation," I was a bit more inclined to think that women are sensitive to certain social cues that men are less sensitive to. I was also thinking that I very bad with those cues, thus sending women the wrong signal. But I can't be more specific than that, because I really don't understand it.
