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New relationship

NAS74112

Hi I have a new partner.

ive been single mostly for 12 years interspersed with brief encounters, the longest relationship attempt was 6 months, partly due to historic abuse and having children.

my new partner is amazing, but I think ADHD. So he doesn’t think about offending just speaks.

He keep joking about me being weird and now I don’t feel safe. We have a holiday booked at half term, but I keep panicking I’m too weird for him.

Im from a family of people who say whatever comes into their head so should be used to this, but have been struggling with my diagnosis and getting close to people.

I really like him and want it to work. I also didn’t realise I’m that weird! 

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  • NAS74112 said:
    He keep joking about me being weird and now I don’t feel safe. We have a holiday booked at half term, but I keep panicking I’m too weird for him.

    I don't understand why you now don't feel safe - what has changed to make you feel this way?

    As for thinking you are too weird for him - use the tools at your disposal to have a frank and honest discussion about it  - I really think it isn't an issue and you may be overthinking it.

    If he had an issue then he will say - just as he does about everything else.

    Are you autistic? Posting on an autism forum would make me think you are so it is probably a case of you are different to neurotypicals and hence strange compared to the herd. If you wore a chicken costume every day and only eat/drink blue stuff then I would think you weird, but I don't think that is what he means.

    You are different to the rest - weird is just another word for it, and this difference is probably a big part of the attraction. Add to that the fact you accept his directness and you have the makings of a solid relationship to my viewpoint.

  • in reply to Iain

    Well yes, the nature of my autism means I overthink comments.

    plus raging menopause that makes me feel anxious.

    safe as in secure, that ‘weird’ is somehow innocuous and I don’t need to run before getting dumped (my usual pattern) 

    he said everything about me is completely different to others, that I’m weird but incredibly caring and it’s my autism that makes me so different 

    I don’t want to ruin it with my constant… what do you mean

    i get like this once someone has been around a while. Sudden urge to run because all I had in my marriage at the end was criticism during his two year affair. It suddenly rears up in spurts, he’s also a super alpha male, which I love but also makes me nervous as I think they have the most potential for physical harm.

    Following comments post diagnosis I’m concerned I can’t make sensible judgements on partners as we are classed as vulnerable my last partner moved in swiftly and then kept forcing himself on me sexually. That was three years ago and I still don’t trust myself 

  • in reply to NAS74112
    NAS74112 said:
    Following comments post diagnosis I’m concerned I can’t make sensible judgements on partners as we are classed as vulnerable my last partner moved in swiftly and then kept forcing himself on me sexually. That was three years ago and I still don’t trust myself 

    Aside from that huge red flag of him forcing himself on you (that is one you need to discuss with a therapist to work through it) then I think you may have one approach to help with this that is a little unconventional.

    I would suggest a variation of couples counselling - not the "how to stop braking up" version of this but a form of chapperoned relationship negotiation where the therapist will discuss with you the terms of agreement of the relationship based on your individual wants/needs and you can draw up something more of a contract for how things go until your next meeting (maybe do these annually).

    This means you get someone to advocate for looking after your fears / concerns / wants / needs and who will negotiate these with your much more forceful partner.

    I'm afraid the sexual abuse part of the early relationship does concern me significantly but without knowing the details (please don't share) I can't really offer much advice, other than to strongly recommend therapy to work through this and help you understand whether this constitutes abuse or not.

    There is certainly enougjh in the relationship to warrant professional help in my opinion, but you are the one who will have to have the conversation with your partner, sit through the therapy and deal with the outcome of it all.

    I wish you a happy outcome to all of this.

  • in reply to battybats

    I’d really like to know what I do/ say that marks me out as vulnerable though.

    how do I trust my own instincts. I’m usually right with everyone telling me to give people a chance. 
    ive got a professional career and feel embarrassed that several people have used me now.

    it’s so humiliating.

    sometimes feels the safest option is to be single 

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  • in reply to battybats

    I’d really like to know what I do/ say that marks me out as vulnerable though.

    how do I trust my own instincts. I’m usually right with everyone telling me to give people a chance. 
    ive got a professional career and feel embarrassed that several people have used me now.

    it’s so humiliating.

    sometimes feels the safest option is to be single 

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