Published on 12, July, 2020
Now, I know many of us struggle with emotions and understanding them at the best of times. My emotions are generally all over the place like I'm on some insane car journey and they are driving and I'm the passenger handing on for dear life! At the time, when asked what emotions I feel I can never answer because it's such a complex question for me - but when I'm on my own in the safe haven of my bedroom I can sit and relax, close my eyes and answer a question like this. When I'm with other people my brain freezes, unable to process the answer.
For me my most common felt emotion is tension/anxiety/panic, whatever you want to call it. At times I am calm, that's the second one I feel and recognize most of all. I'm sure there's others but I don't really understand them so can't say what they are. Rarest emotion for me is probably anger, I don't get angry much, usually if I start to get angry it turns in to overwhelming sadness that hits me low for a bit. Anxiety is definitely the emotion that I'm always having to deal with, and it brings with it so many side effects. It can be quite overwhelming at times. I've tried medication to help but then I often think you can't treat and cure an emotion, so I think a lot of it's got to come from within me.
I get a lot of anxiety but I do feel happy and calm most of the time. Life is hard but I make the most of it because having lost family I know how precious life is.
This is an interesting question.
Before I knew I was autistic and had never heard of alexithymia, if any one had asked me whether I knew what I felt, I'd have said: 'Yes, of course I do'. If asked how I knew, I'd have said: 'the same way anyone else does. I sit an analyse the situation and decide what I should logically be feeling.
OH Dear! Turns out that's not how everyone else does it at all, is it? How did I not know for 50 odd years that other people just "know" by some kind of weird magic without having to think about it?
That rather would explain why in therapy I was being accused of not "working at it", when I absolutely was! My way! And why to my mind they always seemed to want instant answers to their questions and then get irritated with me when I'm still staring into space, reflecting and haven't had time to say anything yet.
Alexithymia notwithstanding I DO know what I feel. I think about it - deeply, and then I know.