What emotion do you experience the most

This is an interesting question.

Before I knew I was autistic and had never heard of alexithymia, if any one had asked me whether I knew what I felt, I'd have said: 'Yes, of course I do'.  If asked how I knew, I'd have said: 'the same way anyone else does.  I sit an analyse the situation and decide what I should logically be feeling.

OH Dear!  Turns out that's not how everyone else does it at all, is it?  How did I not know for 50 odd years that other people just "know" by some kind of weird magic without having to think about it?

That rather would explain why in therapy I was being accused of not "working at it", when I absolutely was!  My way!  And why to my mind they always seemed to want instant answers to their questions and then get irritated with me when I'm still staring into space, reflecting and haven't had time to say anything yet.

Alexithymia notwithstanding I DO know what I feel.  I think about it - deeply, and then I know.

I tend to drift between several different emotions (sometimes crash rather than drift! )

It is only recently (past 6 months or so) that I have come to think / realise that I have ASD (waiting formal diagnosis).
Prior to this I really struggled with anger and extreme frustration to the point of suicidal ideation resulting in being briefly (overnight) sectioned over the past 2 years.

Now I feel a sense of guilt because I am starting to understand ASD and all that goes with it and the impact on family and friends.
Fortunately I haven't felt desperate for a while and have managed to keep out of the suicide suite.

I also have moments of feeling content with who I am.
Sometimes euphoric when listening to certain types of music.
Sometimes numb, feeling nothing much at all - this can also make me feel content. 

I often don’t feel an emotion, I just seem to exist. Anxiety, if that’s an emotion does seem to rule. I have been told I have a weird sense of humour. I just find different things funny. I have watched programs classed as comedy and found them very dull. I really like being on my own, I don’t have to try and be anyone. A state of mind I do enjoy is just being alone and thinking about something interesting. ( or interesting to me)

Nerdlinger said:

I get the nothingness at times as well

Yeah, that... I wonder if maybe it's a response to too much... like switch off, cut out - whatever you want to call it. 

Being absent from feeling for a bit. 

Sadness.

I'm always feeling sad, depressed and anxious. My mum is going blind, my dad has heart problems and I have epilepsy and experience seizures all the time. I'm a sad girl. I miss my happy carefree self but I can't seem to find that me anymore.

Are you still in touch with your therapist? I think sometimes it feels like it's such slow going it's like standing still sometimes but when you look back you realise you have actually made progress even if it was so slow at the time you didn't notice kinda a deal. TBH it took me years of gradually chipping away at it and it was only in the last few years that progress really took off. It's a war of attrition for sure but the victory is really sweet I couldn't put a price on my mental health so it's important to not give up on trying even if you don't get immediate success.

Yeah, that's the really depressing part of it. I feel like it's 10x harder for me now than it was 6 months ago cos of everything that's happened.

Thank you, it's been a lot of time and effort to get to where I am but it's been totally worth it.

I just wish mental health wasn't sochronically underfunded in the UK so more people could get support and have other options if their first route doesn't work out.

Hi Nerdlinger

Wow this is such an interesting topic. 

I also overwhelmingly feel either totally *nothing* or tension/anxiety, etc. So I get where you're coming from. I am amazed to hear someone else say they don't feel anger - I have always found it really strange that I don't feel anger. My therapist thinks that I've blocked off a part of me because my dad's anger/temper was so severe while I grew up, I've just made it not happen in my body. I get very upset about things like inequality but I take it out more on myself or just general rage, but not 'anger' with like another person. 

Would love to hear more from you!

It used to be flat, frustrated and miserable which has now been replaced with flat and anxious/stressed 

Definitely anxiety/fear. I have periods where it's very manageable and some bits where it gets so bad it's hard to imagine. Since my last disaster I'm a lot better, but every part of my day is still ruled by "will I be okay if I do that/watch that/eat that?" 

I know everyones road map to a healthy frame of mind isn't the same. But I know what worked for me was having someone I could confide in who was %100 non judgemental, I went through a string of mainstream therapists and not all of what they said worked for me but I took all the little bits that did work and basically said to myself okay how do I make this work for me. So one of the things I did for example is a kind of exposure therapy of my own devising, the things that gave me the most anxiety I would prep like heck for and then make that jump to go do it, but most importantly I gave myself permission to fail. And almost ironically the more I unlearned being a perfectionist and allowed myself to fail without beating myself up I got less anxious and more confident the more I did stuff and as a result I actually failed less. Which was great for my self esteem. And I started putting my creative problem solving to good use to be able to achieve the same effect of functioning as an allistic person but by doing things in the non conventional ways that worked better for me.
Ofc all bets are off if I'm physically worn out but then I also accepted that modern hustle culture is pretty toxic and you can't work yourself to death. I gave myself permission to rest when I got worn out so I could pick up and go again rather than just totally burn out and quit. I do loads of stuff now I never used to be able to do, I no longer have agoraphobia or suffer from learned helplessness from my cptsd, and it's because of the radical self acceptance and realise okay I have some deficits but I also have strengths others don't too and if I use my strengths just so it can plug a lot of the hole where the deficit is if I just don't give up and try new ways to do things until the perfect way for me clicks. Like 10 years ago I would never have been able to be in and out of the supermarket unaccompanied and get everything on my list in under 20 mins, and I didn't get better functioning by trying to be less autistic but by using my autistic strategizing brain to do it.
It's why I say I don't think functioning levels are set in stone but variable. Because having high IQ never equated to ability to function for me when I was younger because I was still trying to be a NT when I never would be. And I couldn't leave the house back then, now I go out and do things and work with, not against, being autistic and it's been the key to my liberation. Anyway sorry I'm info dumping because the journey has been such a whole thing. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give everyone else that key to their brain, but I know ofc we all have to find it for ourselves. Ofc a bit of love and support also goes a long way. I think really if you are not talking to a therapist give it a try, and you can take what works and leave what doesn't as a good starting point. And if you think your current therapist is naff then line up another one to switch to without leaving gaps. I "cheated" on my therapists by having 2 from different sources running in overlap for a while because I just didn't accept a gap between support services.

Glad that you have reached such a place my friend. This is ultimately what I'm aiming for in my life, where obstacles don't stop me in my tracks and tear my life to shreds which they still tend to do. 

Yeah, I haven't been good at letting my guard down but it's something I'm working on.

Can I have a piece of your brain? Seriously though I'm glad you've been able to get to that stage.

I used to be very sad and anxious, but I am content and happy now, have been for a few years now, because learning to overcome issues in an autistic-friendly way that works for me now means whenever bad stuff happens it's not an unpassable obstacle in life.

Awesome mate!

Happiness lately

Ah man I'm sorry, that's tough for you. Feelings of happiness aren't pointless, enjoy it while it lasts. Happiness is like the sun it comes and goes but it isn't gone forever.

I wasn't sure if it was an emotion either so I Googled it and according to that, it is an emotion. I get the nothingness at times as well, I think I must experience many throughout the day.