It's almost always the way

There's a family member who makes my life hell to... The sound of her walking into the house unannounced terrifies me.

It is what I would describe as a complicated mother-daughter relationship. We care about each other, just that there has always been a clash of personalities. Occasionally, we do get along, but it tends to be in extremely short doses.

I take it you’re not on speaking terms with your mother..?

I might change it to something more festive for Christmas (Troika or The Box of Delights or something), but then straight back to hardcore malancholia! I do really like the music in question though, which is the main thing. 

I too will visit sites such as 'Who called me' if I receive calls from numbers I don't recognise. However, rather than feeling weirded out when there is no information, I just feel mildly frustrated. 

Regarding ringtones, before I bought my current landline phone, I always tended to opt for the one that sounded most like an old-school non-digital ring, until I got fed up with it, and inevitably changed it to something else.

It may please you to know that I did previously own a mobile phone with a Doctor Who ringtone. 

You know the expression, "Each to their own"? This is what I think regarding your choice of intentionally melancholy music. Your reason for it might well seem irrational to me, but what I think is irrelevant. If you're happy with your choice of ringtone, then that is all that matters. 

I get really unsettled by any unknown callers. I let them ring off, block immediately, then check 'who called me' (online site) to see if it's anything dodgy - cold callers, scams. The worst ones are those where no previous search for/report of that number have been made. It really weirds me out. Thankfully, it doesn't happen often.

Talking of ringtones, I don't have different ones for different people (though can see how that could be very useful for prepping oneself psychologically for what lies ahead), but I do have an intentionally melancholy piece of music (the beautiful opening bars of The Shepherd's Boy from Doctor Who) as my ringtone, as you never know when bad news is going to be coming down the line at you, blindsiding you or confirming the worst. So it's moodmatched no matter what - pleasantly wistful or appropriately somber. And I think a jolly upbeat tune of which one is fond of as a 'feelgood' piece would become forever tainted by the awfulness of that tonal emotional clash. I often hear those cheery ones and think they sound complacent, like tempting fate. Totally irrational I know. But who says we have to be entirely rational? :-)

I am similar to you in that I also avoid answering the phone if I don't know who the caller is. I work on the principle that if it's important, the caller will leave a message. The drawback though is that not all callers will, which leaves me feeling curious and anxious about the identity of the caller.

Although I can understand why you don't miss the calls you received from your mother, I am sorry that they often left you feeling upset. 

On the rare occasions that I receive calls from other people I know well, I generally don't have an issue answering the phone. When it is my mother though, "rabbit in the headlights" sums it up perfectly.

I consider it sad that your mother doesn't think to ask you how you are. Sometimes my mother will ask me, but it often causes me to feel like it's an interrogation. If I then give an honest answer, I usually end up regretting it.

I hate and fear using the phone, so I no longer answer calls unless I know who it is calling and I'm feeling sufficiently able to speak to them... 

I probably speak on the phone 2-3 times a year maximum now.

When my mother was alive she phoned me every week. Her calls went on for about an hour and were thematically similar - asking of routine meaningless questions, complaining about people/things in her life, complaining about her health, criticism of my brother - and even more so, his wife and children, criticism of me. 

It was difficult. I have to be honest, I don't miss those calls. 

It was the overwhelming negativity of them that upset me. 

It’s the same for me, I try to answer the phone but struggle with normal people, when it’s mothers calling I  feel like a “rabbit in the headlights.”  I’m sure sometimes I could just hold the phone away from me, let her carry on and just say yes every few minutes. I felt sorry for her so  my wife invited her for Sunday lunch, it was just peck at me for several hours. The start was, “you never answer your phone!” “ You should have your teeth looked at,” then, “ it was that dentist’s fault for holding you down when young.” I tried to explain I was having a meltdown when I was being held down, why would I dislike a dentist if I had never seen one? A later trip resulted in me  biting a dentist and trying to climb out the window, that took 4 to hold me down. I explained how I can’t have anyone that near to my head and put things in my mouth.  The reply was, ”No you just don’t like the dentist.” The evening news then came on and the answer to nearly every subject was either hang them or National Service would sort them out.  I actually don’t have a house phone anymore, I just have my mobile. All calls are along the lines of, the fence has blown over, the sewer is blocked or there’s a letter that I must act on. Never hello, how are you. Sorry ranting now.