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What IS the 'right' way to behave?

Autist

I will have to do a lot of explaining. I had this friend called Helen and I thought we were quite good friends. Then she started cancelling on me (which REALLY stresses me out) not responding to my messages, and just pretty much stopped talking to me altogether. I lent her 2 things to help her with her job (which I helped her A LOT with - because I know about EYFS and she knew nothing) and I found one in the office at work one day which I suppose was her idea of returning it to me (why did she not give it to me in person and say thank you for lending it to me? that's what *I* would do I learnt manners) and she still has the other thing. I thought maybe she was just ignoring friends because she has a boyfriend but I talked to Rachel who we both know and she was still in touch with her, so it is just me she's dumped. As a friend. I want the other thing I lent her back. My support worker said I should send a polite (she emphasised polite) message asking for it back. But I'm so angry with her I want to send her a text telling her she's a really horrible friend and stupid horrible rude person and I hate her. I want HER to feel as upset as I did. (I was much more upset than this when it first started happening). Do NTs just push their feelings aside and send polite messages? Is that what I should do? Am I supposed to completely ignore how I feel?

Parents

  • Have you also considered the possibility that she is just being mean and is not a good friend towards you?

    Taking autism out of the equation it sounds to me like she is in the wrong.  Obviously it is hard to tell without knowing the exact interactions between you and your workplace situation etc etc.  But it is generally polite to return borrowed items, and to respond politely to social interactions.  Sometimes NT people do not do this because they are themselves breaking social convention, to avoid embarassement or avoid a conversation where they have to admit not wanting to socialise with someone else, or just because not everyone is a nice person.

    In any case, showing your anger and having a rant at her means you would lose the moral high ground (if she is being nasty) or the opportunity to resolve the misunderstanding (if there has been one).

    Maybe try having a private rant at her in your head, go somewhere you won't be interrupted and can't be overheard then pretend she is in the room and have your rant - but don't do it to the real person.

Reply

  • Have you also considered the possibility that she is just being mean and is not a good friend towards you?

    Taking autism out of the equation it sounds to me like she is in the wrong.  Obviously it is hard to tell without knowing the exact interactions between you and your workplace situation etc etc.  But it is generally polite to return borrowed items, and to respond politely to social interactions.  Sometimes NT people do not do this because they are themselves breaking social convention, to avoid embarassement or avoid a conversation where they have to admit not wanting to socialise with someone else, or just because not everyone is a nice person.

    In any case, showing your anger and having a rant at her means you would lose the moral high ground (if she is being nasty) or the opportunity to resolve the misunderstanding (if there has been one).

    Maybe try having a private rant at her in your head, go somewhere you won't be interrupted and can't be overheard then pretend she is in the room and have your rant - but don't do it to the real person.

Children
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