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Out of Line

Kittera

This happened earlier today, the events are fresh in my mind and hunting, like things like this always are.

I am a waitress and one of my colleagues was insulted earlier today. I'll make it brief: customers insinuated that she could not speak English because she was tanned. Even though every bone and feeling in my body was signalling me: I plotted revenge.

I am white. And I am not from the UK. I severed their deserts speaking my native language, purposely mixed up who ordered what, and even brought them back to the kitchen. I lashed out and told them the restaurant had no place for disrespect and left.

Was I proud? No. Did I accomplish something? No either. Did the customers complain? Of course. Did I make a fool of myself? Naturally.

I don't know where to go from here... I had such a panic attack that I left my shift early because the event created such stress that I could no longer breathe or serve food without shaking. My boss has no idea I am autistic. I am actually thinking of quitting. I guess because I was bullied because of my language I did not realise what I was doing was actually about me and my own trauma.

I naturally apologised to my colleague for causing a scene. But I simply don't know where to go from here. As adults have you ever made such a big mistake that you considered quitting? 

  • in reply to Iain

    Your message is very helpful, to be honest, I am on a path of self-destruction: You describe me so well it's almost scary because... well: you don't know me.

    I am going to write to my boss, not that it will probably make me feel better. It is worth a try. 

    As for your story, I probably would have done the same thing as you did. I mean... because everybody does it it makes it ok? That's the sort of thinking that always gets me in trouble, proof it got you in trouble too. I am happy, I am not the only one. Thank you for your advice, it's appeasing to talk to someone who can relate a bit.

  • Kittera said:
    I plotted revenge.

    Do you think that in this case of using your personal "moral compass" you actively plotted an act of self destruction?

    I'm asking this as it reflects a discussion my therapist had with me recently about some of my behaviours of a similar nature (a bit more sneaky admittedly, but to the same ends).

    Sometimes is is almost like out subconcious is saying we don't deserver to be happy / successful and makes decisions for us that end up blowing up in our faces, entirely predictably.

    After the event, when the predictable response arrives we have the panic attack because it actually happened - the subconcious got its way but the impact on our life is not what the rest of our concious mind wanted..

    In practical terms I would recommend apologising to your management, explain that you felt so angry at their racial discrimination that you lashed out and that you are sorry for the mess it caused.

    I imagine you will get a warning at best and be under observation for a while.

    My last act of revenge like this was when my boss was taking bribes from suppliers and I caught him - reported him to his own boss who it turned out was also on the take so I was dropped from probation at that point. I kept the emails of the rest of the board and sent them the evidence I had and the two bosses ended up sacked and prosecuted, but I never got my job back.

    In hindsight I should probably have kept my mouth shut as this is much more common than you may realise, and just shut down my moral compass on the matter.