Sometimes I feel worry as an attack on my internal organs eg. Digestive system, heart etc.
It is as if my anxiety is one language in my ‘mind-words’ and is translated into another language of the body.
I’m concerned about the plumbing of my flat needing expensive refurbishment and when I try to allow all of the facts into my consciousness it seems to be too much to worry about and control.
Then I go on to worry about other things. All-or-nothing. All worry or no worry. My future, my death, my meaning.
All it takes is a beautiful ray of sunlight or a comical squirrel near my flat to break through the negativity.
I have an internal bully, a thug who takes revenge on me when I feel anxious. Incidentally he has the face of M.N. a school bully from forty four years ago. That guy punched the air out of me and I stopped breathing. I couldn’t inhale, couldn’t breathe for what seemed like forever. I will never stop wanting revenge on him; oops I have taken the poison of resentment hoping it will kill him.
Sometimes it feels like my body is being savaged by simple ‘Reality’.
Maybe if I was an actor all of this would be put to good use somehow, but I’m not; therefore I need, wish and ask for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Things are literally better than my interpretation. If I were to act as if things were as bad as they feel I would then make them that bad.
I am frightened of acting on the unreal part of my feelings.
I have reread what I have written.
It disturbs me in its madness.
It represents the mad ravings of someone who lives on their own and too much in their head.
But I sense that all is not lost.
After all, I’m grateful to come here.
When the waves are threatening, this website is my lifeboat.
