Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I am new to this site and would welcome your comments and help. My son was finally diagnosed with aspergers at 21 after a lifelong battle with our GP who refused to acknowledge his differences and labelled me an over protective mother not willing to accept that he was just badly behaved. I won't bore you with the tedious details of the lengthy battle to diagnosis, I am sure this is familiar to many of you.
The diagnosis was a huge relief to us as parents, and his sister as we always knew that he was special. For the last three years we have researched, read everything we could, and tried to put in place the best support possible to help him live an independant life. We have had some success, he is well capable of holding down his job as a carer, but periodically, he will crash and burn. Usually something will trigger him to believe he is useless, and he will walk away. It is tough to try and always understand and accept some of the situations he gets himself in to. Continuous bad debt pay day loans phone contracts, we have paid off thousands over the years. And yes I know we should let them fail, so he learns. There is an account currently that he is being pursued for that we are not going to settle. A bad credit rating would be a godsend to put an end to them.
our main problem is whilst we try so hard to understand him, he doesn't understand himself, and doesn't accept that he has aspergers, he may say he does to placate me but he doesn't really. He was deeply hurt when I pursued the diagnosis as he said I was trying to get him declared 'mental'. How does one accept having aspergers, does it help to know and try and understand it? How can I persuade him to talk to others and share his feelings? Would it help if he had a mentor or someone outside of the family he could talk to? We love him dearly and want him to be secure in his adult life, and to recognise his many positive characteristics. He is funny, loyal to his friends, clever in ways he does not recognise, different and individual, and much loved by his family and friends. We would like him to go back to our GP (thankfully a new one who has been great) for an updated assessment, but I am scared to broach the subject in case he feels I am again trying to label him as mental. Apologies for length of this post but it is so good to be able to put all my thoughts on paper. I would appreciate hearing from you. Thank you for reading this.
My son has Aspergers. He was diagnosed when he was 8 and he is now 20. He attended a British mainstream school in Spain. At the age of 16 he took 6 GCSE but got 1. it was then that I felt that the school couldn't really cater for him. So I took him out of school and basically home schooled him, with a weekly tutor to guide and help us along the way. At the age of 18 he finally had 4 GCSEs. This meant he could get his ESO and Spanish school leaving certificate.
During the holiday times he also sailed on the Lord Nelson, gained his RYA competent crew and powerboat licence. His biggest achievement was his dive master. He has since been at college in the UK doing a BTEC course in Sport and Outdoor Adventure. He has been at this residential college for the last 2 years, coming home every 6 weeks for 2 weeks. He has managed to cope with day to day living, arranging his week, getting up for college, getting girlfriends, organising his washing etc.
He has only managed to get these qualifications with me in the background, teaching, guiding, re writing, discussing, getting his ideas and thoughts and writing it down for him. He can do all these things but cannot verbalise or write spontaneously.
Im now trying to get him an apprenticeship in outdoor adventure. I hoped that this would be a gentle way to give him the confidence and experience until he would finally be able to be an instructor within a supportive team.
But I now feel that all my help, support, work is useless. I can help him write a CV, talk through the job, practice interview questions and send him off for the interview. Then he is on his own. I know he has to do this on his own and I want him to get a position on his own merits.
But but the latest feedback from an interview was not good and, I suppose reminded me of his problems. He follows instructions well but can't think outside the box. If he was told to keep,an eye on a problem diver, walker within the group, etc he would, but ignore the others. He doesn't have the common sense needed.
Im now feeling lost, very alone and scared for our future. My husband has had recent heart problems and so I cannot rely on him for support. I can't pass on the stress to him but I have no one to turn to. My friends children are all finishing college and everyone is delighting in their results. I am happy for them but feel very alone.
My son finishes college this week and I am frightened on what our life will be like.