Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I am new to this site and would welcome your comments and help. My son was finally diagnosed with aspergers at 21 after a lifelong battle with our GP who refused to acknowledge his differences and labelled me an over protective mother not willing to accept that he was just badly behaved. I won't bore you with the tedious details of the lengthy battle to diagnosis, I am sure this is familiar to many of you.
The diagnosis was a huge relief to us as parents, and his sister as we always knew that he was special. For the last three years we have researched, read everything we could, and tried to put in place the best support possible to help him live an independant life. We have had some success, he is well capable of holding down his job as a carer, but periodically, he will crash and burn. Usually something will trigger him to believe he is useless, and he will walk away. It is tough to try and always understand and accept some of the situations he gets himself in to. Continuous bad debt pay day loans phone contracts, we have paid off thousands over the years. And yes I know we should let them fail, so he learns. There is an account currently that he is being pursued for that we are not going to settle. A bad credit rating would be a godsend to put an end to them.
our main problem is whilst we try so hard to understand him, he doesn't understand himself, and doesn't accept that he has aspergers, he may say he does to placate me but he doesn't really. He was deeply hurt when I pursued the diagnosis as he said I was trying to get him declared 'mental'. How does one accept having aspergers, does it help to know and try and understand it? How can I persuade him to talk to others and share his feelings? Would it help if he had a mentor or someone outside of the family he could talk to? We love him dearly and want him to be secure in his adult life, and to recognise his many positive characteristics. He is funny, loyal to his friends, clever in ways he does not recognise, different and individual, and much loved by his family and friends. We would like him to go back to our GP (thankfully a new one who has been great) for an updated assessment, but I am scared to broach the subject in case he feels I am again trying to label him as mental. Apologies for length of this post but it is so good to be able to put all my thoughts on paper. I would appreciate hearing from you. Thank you for reading this.
Lady P,
If he doesn't want to have the label and think of himself as an aspie then that is his choice. I have chosen to get a diagnosis and I am entirely comfortable with it but we are all different. At 21 he is an adult and should be making his own choices - even if they are sometimes bad ones that you disapprove of. I only got diagnosed at 56 when I needed to work out what I was doing wrong. Diagnosis has been liberating but also scary and not without a few more bumps along the road.
I have two sons, in their twenties, and I have learnt that you have to let them fly on their own wings and make their own way in the world. It is sometimes difficult to see them making mistakes and getting hurt but you have to let it happen. They have rebelled and it has not been plain sailing but they have now (eventually!) turned into really nice people that want to come home at the weekends for dinner and be best friends for us.
What you can do is be there for him when he wants help, look for the positives and cherish him for his talents. You can try and understand him and work out what he likes and what bugs him - give him some peace and quiet and space to relax.
The GP can't do anything magical, this isn't a medical disease after all - there are lots of threads in these forums where they haven't been able to contribute much.