Moving on from your past/ letting go of the pain

I am in the process of being assessed but it looks 100% likely. I have always known I was different/ odd... I am 46yrs old and moving on from the past /letting go of the pain is a very apt title for what I am going through. I am burnt out, exhaust. I have so often said I feel like my soul is tired and now I understand why. I have struggled with what I call the human experience since I was very young but I never understood the struggle or what that meant. I just new that I never fitted in. That I didn't have any friends. I struggled to socialise and understand people and social q. I hated parties or social gatherings so how I managed them as a teen was to get drunk or stoned. Or I would just spend my life in my bedroom as this was the safest space. I still do at times but life, work, family doesn't allow those tools any more hence the exhaustion.

I live my life with images... and a constant voice in my  head. My senses are on fire most of the time which I now understand what it is and how it happens where as before I would get overwhelmed and shut down. I have learnt to utilise my images well and they have become my job;  I am a clinical massage therapist and Cranio sacral therapist so I work with my eyes closed and just see/feel my way through the body like an xray. I love my job, I never thought I would be good at anything and when I found this over 15yrs ago it changed how I feel about life.  It took a long time of different jobs to find my passion and now I hone in my focus to learning the human body, deseases, conditions, human ways.. This feeds my need and I work from home so the extra sensory interaction with people can be managed when I am ready. 

Having the diagnosis has help as I have started developing compassion towards myself. I no longer push myself soo hard. If i need to take a moment or a bath or some quiet time then I do that. If I feel overwhelmed in crowds or by things I am able to sit back and ask what is going on? What is triggering me... and that empowers me to deal with how I feel or what sensations are arising.

My husband who is also neurodivergent (he is severely ADHD with Autism) is learning to not take my direct and perfunctory way of talking not so personally. My teen kids (I have two) now understand why I get over exited and raise my voice in exitment at times or understand why I can't cope with certain sounds or happenings when they talk to me. My daughter now understand why I have to have the air con full blast  all yr round when driving long distance as its the only way for me to focus on the road and not get overwhelmed.  so I guess compassion and understanding is what is coming through. By understanding ones self more means we can react or not react. We can be kind and we can also try to  manage that internal voice that can at times be so unkind. 

The pain... for me... will always be there but like death I guess the intensity becomes manageable. 

Thanks for thinking of this title. 

Maggie

Thanks so much for this Maggie. I lovely insight into the "ups and downs" and also the value of creating the right environment for you to flourish. Also sounds like you have some very open conversations with your family about your needs and "eccentricities". Sue :)

Thanks so much for this Maggie. I lovely insight into the "ups and downs" and also the value of creating the right environment for you to flourish. Also sounds like you have some very open conversations with your family about your needs and "eccentricities". Sue :)