Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm not the most observant of people - in fact, I'm Artistic, and am on the wrong forum - but even I have noticed the billions of fans of Doctor Thingy on this board. And so, in the interests of intergalactic harmony and for a miniscule fee, I offer the forum members of that persuasion the chance of a lifetime, or perhaps several regenerations: an opportunity to meet and romance the Whovian of your dreams!
Yes, you could be celebrating next year's Valentine's Day in the arms or metallic tentacles of the one you love. I will generously make all the matchmaking arrangements, simply by annoying the objects of your desires until they lose the will to live and agree to a date with you in a cafe in which I have no commercial or financial interests whatsoever. Shout-out to Steven's Cafe ltd. Anyway, all you have to do beforehand is reply here, telling the entire forum and the whole internet about your highly secret and private crush. So, what are you waiting for? Just look at these reviews from my satisfied clients:
'I'm suing you, you robbing git' - Mrs Ethel Pizza, Yorks.
'You set me up with my mum...' - Who fan, Glasgow.
'Leave me alone, you maniac' - The Master, space.
'Not a-bloody-gain...' - Q̶u̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶P̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶ Princess Sparkly, Sparkly HQ.
'Thanks to Steven's life-changing Dating Hair & Makeover Service, I'm a whole new person - previously, people said that I looked like a little old man; NOW they say I look like a little old woman' - Steven, Tardis Portakabin.
Photograph: Sparkly (centre) models her new shoes
Still no customers either, except for cream tea tourists.
*cries softly*
Disgusting behaviour
Cream tea makes me think of Withnail & I: ‘All right here?’
*calls for more water*
I can't believe that people are bringing Dr Who into this Dr Who thread...
Giving them the old stiletto trampling treatment. Now they know who’s superior.
Wow. Er, which story?
Servalan: ‘Imagination our only limit’
Avon: ‘Imagination my only limit? I’d be dead in a week.’
Well, that was a very nice read.
I wouldn't use a Blake's 7 dating service, too much risk of your date shooting you in the back.
I'm a married man! Well, half-married, but I'll be fully married soon.
I couldn't find a Doctor Who fan, so I found a non-fan and converted her, to the point where she, without any prompting from me, has enthusiastically suggested Tom Baker/Lalla Ward cosplay...
Sporadic Sparkly said:as a result of being matched, I now have 25 children and 50 pet dogs
'...but no date.'
If anyone reads this, can I just say that you would be crazy not to sign up for Steven's Doctor Who Dating Service.
I cannot deny that I had some reservations about joining, but I can 100% say that as a result of being matched, I now have 25 children and 50 pet dogs. It is everything and more than I could ever have wished for. Thank you so much Steven.
*Disclaimer: I may have been bribed to leave this glowing review.
It might help if I a) knew what cream tea is, and b) knew anything about Dr Who, or dating. Or crisps.
Hahahaha
I'll reply in a while - busy arranging a merger with the makers of Monster Munch.
And I was really looking forward to a cream tea with Missy.
Life is just full of disappointment.
I can't cope with the stress of running this massive one-customer business...
Count me in!
I haven't even mastered tying shoelaces yet, Lord Sugar!