Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm not the most observant of people - in fact, I'm Artistic, and am on the wrong forum - but even I have noticed the billions of fans of Doctor Thingy on this board. And so, in the interests of intergalactic harmony and for a miniscule fee, I offer the forum members of that persuasion the chance of a lifetime, or perhaps several regenerations: an opportunity to meet and romance the Whovian of your dreams!
Yes, you could be celebrating next year's Valentine's Day in the arms or metallic tentacles of the one you love. I will generously make all the matchmaking arrangements, simply by annoying the objects of your desires until they lose the will to live and agree to a date with you in a cafe in which I have no commercial or financial interests whatsoever. Shout-out to Steven's Cafe ltd. Anyway, all you have to do beforehand is reply here, telling the entire forum and the whole internet about your highly secret and private crush. So, what are you waiting for? Just look at these reviews from my satisfied clients:
'I'm suing you, you robbing git' - Mrs Ethel Pizza, Yorks.
'You set me up with my mum...' - Who fan, Glasgow.
'Leave me alone, you maniac' - The Master, space.
'Not a-bloody-gain...' - Q̶u̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶P̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶ Princess Sparkly, Sparkly HQ.
'Thanks to Steven's life-changing Dating Hair & Makeover Service, I'm a whole new person - previously, people said that I looked like a little old man; NOW they say I look like a little old woman' - Steven, Tardis Portakabin.
Photograph: Sparkly (centre) models her new shoes
QUEEN SPARKLY: "You're rubbish at running a business, minion, so I'm taking over the Service. Roll up, everyone! Sign up for the all-new Dr Who Dating Service - free cash and sonic spanners, or whatever they're bloody called, for the first couple to get married. Chop chop!"
ME: "I can't believe that you're flogging our business in my dream!!"
QS: "Well I can't believe that you're still wearing Spiderman pyjamas at your age."
ME: "Aww, you've told everyone now, Mum...I mean, Sparkly..."
Calling Sparkly mum is like calling the teacher mum. At least you only did it in a dream so nobody knows.
Yep, thank gawd I kept that quiet.