Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm not the most observant of people - in fact, I'm Artistic, and am on the wrong forum - but even I have noticed the billions of fans of Doctor Thingy on this board. And so, in the interests of intergalactic harmony and for a miniscule fee, I offer the forum members of that persuasion the chance of a lifetime, or perhaps several regenerations: an opportunity to meet and romance the Whovian of your dreams!
Yes, you could be celebrating next year's Valentine's Day in the arms or metallic tentacles of the one you love. I will generously make all the matchmaking arrangements, simply by annoying the objects of your desires until they lose the will to live and agree to a date with you in a cafe in which I have no commercial or financial interests whatsoever. Shout-out to Steven's Cafe ltd. Anyway, all you have to do beforehand is reply here, telling the entire forum and the whole internet about your highly secret and private crush. So, what are you waiting for? Just look at these reviews from my satisfied clients:
'I'm suing you, you robbing git' - Mrs Ethel Pizza, Yorks.
'You set me up with my mum...' - Who fan, Glasgow.
'Leave me alone, you maniac' - The Master, space.
'Not a-bloody-gain...' - Q̶u̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶P̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶ Princess Sparkly, Sparkly HQ.
'Thanks to Steven's life-changing Dating Hair & Makeover Service, I'm a whole new person - previously, people said that I looked like a little old man; NOW they say I look like a little old woman' - Steven, Tardis Portakabin.
Photograph: Sparkly (centre) models her new shoes
I for one can't believe that this stooopid service which Sparkly* created has been a towering failure.
*Okay, so it was me.
You made the mistake of thinking that a shared obsession makes for a good union! It can do, on occasion, but isn't it nicer to have unique but complimenting speshal interestz?
I don't believe in pessimism - it's too much like tempting fate.
Well, that was this year's failed attempt at Wildean wit. See you all again in 2024.
Both possible options are great!
That way there's no dispute over who keeps what in the divorce :-)