Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm not the most observant of people - in fact, I'm Artistic, and am on the wrong forum - but even I have noticed the billions of fans of Doctor Thingy on this board. And so, in the interests of intergalactic harmony and for a miniscule fee, I offer the forum members of that persuasion the chance of a lifetime, or perhaps several regenerations: an opportunity to meet and romance the Whovian of your dreams!
Yes, you could be celebrating next year's Valentine's Day in the arms or metallic tentacles of the one you love. I will generously make all the matchmaking arrangements, simply by annoying the objects of your desires until they lose the will to live and agree to a date with you in a cafe in which I have no commercial or financial interests whatsoever. Shout-out to Steven's Cafe ltd. Anyway, all you have to do beforehand is reply here, telling the entire forum and the whole internet about your highly secret and private crush. So, what are you waiting for? Just look at these reviews from my satisfied clients:
'I'm suing you, you robbing git' - Mrs Ethel Pizza, Yorks.
'You set me up with my mum...' - Who fan, Glasgow.
'Leave me alone, you maniac' - The Master, space.
'Not a-bloody-gain...' - Q̶u̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶P̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶ Princess Sparkly, Sparkly HQ.
'Thanks to Steven's life-changing Dating Hair & Makeover Service, I'm a whole new person - previously, people said that I looked like a little old man; NOW they say I look like a little old woman' - Steven, Tardis Portakabin.
Photograph: Sparkly (centre) models her new shoes
I cannot believe you shared that top-secret photo of me kissing my beloved Doctor.
I'll add that to the Reviews section.
That photo shoot with the Daleks was a nightmare in more ways than one. Those shoes I was forced to model weren't even mine, and so not my colour.
I knew that! Or vaguely remembered it. I was too young to collect them. And I don't eat Wotsits.
My wife says I'm cute when I geek out on Doctor Who stuff, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. You just need to find the right person (easier said than done, I know). Maybe someone should set up some kind of specialist dating agency?
That’s not made things any clearer. Just making myself even more hopelessly unattractive with the fact that I’m sad enough to know that. And, er, collected them.
You are seriously asking me what *your* point is? Is this some kind of weird test that I was meant to revise for?
Well in 1986 you got a free doctor who mini comic inside every multipack of Wotsits. True story. But, er… what’s my point?