Hello everyone - it's been a while!
I'm sure this post will sound as self-indulgent as all my others however I'm really just looking for a bit of independent support (I feel guilty for always burdening my family as it just causes upset and friction between us all. They are very supportive but it's wearing for them as I can be totally objectionable and self-obsessed and they have their own lives to lead.)
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was in my school musical (I've posted about this a couple of times before) and it was the absolute best experience of my entire life. The actual show was a HUGE success, it could not possibly have gone better and we were all beyond proud of what we achieved. The reaction we received from the audience was overwhelming - we did four shows and for three of them we received full standing ovations, and the amount of compliments ourselves and the teachers received was staggering. As well as this, we were an amazing team, practically a big family though it might be audacious for me to say that as I don't really know if I did fit, and the camaraderie amongst the cast is one of the many things that made the production so special.
Anyway, now it's over; it has been for nearly two weeks now, and I feel a bit numb still. I'm pretty sure things will never be as good again, and this leaves me in almost a state of grief. I particularly miss my loving, sane, sensible, NT character, and the boy I was playing opposite and a couple of other special members of the cast, as well as getting to sing onstage every night for four nights and learn lots more about acting and getting to know how people work better through doing that, and of course the atmosphere. I feel like the only way to conquer this feeling is to start a new life in as many ways as I can.
I recently began having sessions with a psychologist who specialises in children and young people and has lots of experience dealing with AS, and it hasn't been long but I'm convinced she is the one who can help me sort out my behaviour. I behave like an over-confident, far-too-bubbly, in-your-face, know-all caricature, and I don't like it. This is certainly something I'm going to talk to her about. I've also joined a slimming club because I feel my personality will be less offensive if I take up less space. (Does that sound mad?) Plus I'm trying to keep as busy as I can doing constructive things - e.g. reading the actual novel Les Mis and going to watch plays and doing things of that nature with my mum and grandparents. I'm also trying to focus on those around me who I know care for me, and involve them as much as I can in my New Life. None of those are people my own age, and that makes me feel pathetic, but I try not to dwell on it. It can't be helped.
I actually think that 16 is a very good age to realise you need to change because it's certainly not too late for me, but I'm naturally very negative and I can't stop thinking about what's past...right now, I just want the play back, because it was such a safe place to be confused about the new emotions I was having. For instance, it taught me about romantic love. I'd never felt that before, and now I wonder if I do feel it. To be honest I just want to be my character, which I know is stupid and not healthy, but she's such a lovely straightforward person! I'm sure this feeling will fade with time but now I feel empty, and overwhelmed that I have to build something from scratch. So am I being unrealistic here?
Thank you for reading, sorry, I know it's probably a load of rubbish.
Hope you're all well.
xx
