Published on 12, July, 2020
Several days ago, I found myself on the receiving end of a Friend Request from a new member, which immediately caused me to feel unnerved and suspicious.
I question if it's a generational thing, or if it's just me. At the time that I received this request, there had been no prior interaction on the forum between myself and this member. Furthermore, their member profile was completely blank. Therefore, I had no way of knowing if this person was on a similar wavelength to me, or if we had anything remotely in common.
I have to say I've only friended two people on here and only because they friended me first. I'm not entirely sure what the benefit/point of it is. Is it just to allow private messaging? There are plenty of people here whose contributions I value and read with interest, but I was not sure what would happen if I friended them -- what would happen in terms of the site, but also how they would react i.e. would they be offended or puzzled. Now I wonder if I am doing this "wrong."
I am often wary of starting unstructured conversations (particularly in real life, but sometimes online) for fear of rejection, or just not having anything to say. This is probably social anxiety-related. However, as I met my wife when she sent an email to me via my blog, maybe I should not be so fearful!
From my own perspective, the purpose of a Friend Request is to allow private messaging. Shortly after I had discovered the NAS forum, I had accepted a Friend Request from a member that I knew I didn't have enough in common with to consider them a friend. At the time, they were lacking in confidence and reluctant to participate in the forum. I felt sorry for them and thought that I could draw them out from their shell. Eventually, I removed them as a friend because I found our messaging exchanges far too stressful. I felt horrible for doing that.
I like the forums as a way of interacting with other members. To me, it's a less pressured environment.
I can understand this thinking. Only a rare few private messaging situations would ever feel ‘right’ and a few dormant gestures of welcome or attempted but unsustained continuity is probably the universal pattern - the result of a trade off between societal structural inevitability and luck. You did a kind thing for that person Sparkly, despite misgivings, but your intuition proved right about the outcome as it was always most likely to. I think we’re all open enough on the public side to make a go of being collectively good friends to one another out in the open for the most part. Shared interests or vibes or local connections or whatever might foster ‘backend’ conversations with a few particularly kindred spirits too, and that’s a healthy balance overall.