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Advice on how to believe you can do life

Dizzy

Hi, i'm after some advice from anyone who has been through a period of complete crisis in their teens, feeling like they cannot do anything with their life, but managed to somehow get through it. My 15 year old (trans male) moved to a specialist school last October and is in a class of only 5, with the most wonderful, understanding teachers and kids. Everyone has bent over backwards to do everything right to help him, including ensuring his new name and pronoun are always used. He admits that there's nothing else he wants them to do, but he still finds attending a living hell (but then taking the day off is a living hell because he's upset with himself).

I'd happily de-register him, arrange online schooling, alternative options, anything to make him happy, but he  doesn't believe there is any solution that would work.  He wants to be doing a normal range of gcse's, achieve his exams, and choose his own friends - but he knows he can't even keep up with the core subjects currently, and couldn't possibly manage in a normal class size (he likes the other 4 people in his class but he doesn't have much in common with them, so friendship options are limited). Her can't attend any clubs because he finds it too exhausting and anxiety provoking, because he suffers from constant voices in his head, shouting at him about how rubbish he is. He also suffers from distressing visual hallucinations due to anxiety too. He says, even if he gets any qualifications, he couldn't cope with college or any other environment like it, or any work environment, and he hates the idea of staying at home doing online learning. So....basically he sees no future. He's tried every CBT, DBT, talking therapy etc, and is on Fluoxetine. It seems like nothing helps. I don't want to 'fix' him, I want to help him realise that he's not broken, he's an amazing, talented individual with so much potential for happiness and plenty of time to work out his own way in life. How do you get someone to start believing that, when everything about life seems impossible to them?     

Parents

  • He is really going through a tough time. It sounds like he doesn't feel as if he fits in at his specialist school, in a similar way to not seeming to fit in anywhere else. Do you know why he finds attending a 'living hell'? Could it be to do with the sensory environment? Possibly it is just too full on and demanding in his likely burnt out state. It also sounds as if he has the determination to want to continue and not to give up.

    Autistic brains find it very difficult to switch from one subject to another when learning. I wonder if a more intensive focus on fewer subjects might be helpful for him. If he were to succeed at a few GCSEs he would feel less like a failure and more confident in attempting more in the future. Are there any subjects which particularly interest him? Would he be able to concentrate on those subjects, and have some quiet study time to recharge by himself whilst the class are covering other subjects?

    Getting through one day at a time and working towards his exams is probably as much as he can realistically aim to focus on for now. Any thoughts beyond that into future work or study will seem so overwhelmingly scary and use up valuable mental resources he does not currently have.

    I would also question if the medication is actually helping him. Personally I do not think that anti-depressants are helpful for anxiety in autistic people. As you have found the standard treatments offered by mental health services often do not help at all. The specialist support he needs just isn't there. 

Reply

  • He is really going through a tough time. It sounds like he doesn't feel as if he fits in at his specialist school, in a similar way to not seeming to fit in anywhere else. Do you know why he finds attending a 'living hell'? Could it be to do with the sensory environment? Possibly it is just too full on and demanding in his likely burnt out state. It also sounds as if he has the determination to want to continue and not to give up.

    Autistic brains find it very difficult to switch from one subject to another when learning. I wonder if a more intensive focus on fewer subjects might be helpful for him. If he were to succeed at a few GCSEs he would feel less like a failure and more confident in attempting more in the future. Are there any subjects which particularly interest him? Would he be able to concentrate on those subjects, and have some quiet study time to recharge by himself whilst the class are covering other subjects?

    Getting through one day at a time and working towards his exams is probably as much as he can realistically aim to focus on for now. Any thoughts beyond that into future work or study will seem so overwhelmingly scary and use up valuable mental resources he does not currently have.

    I would also question if the medication is actually helping him. Personally I do not think that anti-depressants are helpful for anxiety in autistic people. As you have found the standard treatments offered by mental health services often do not help at all. The specialist support he needs just isn't there. 

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