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Advice on how to believe you can do life

Dizzy

Hi, i'm after some advice from anyone who has been through a period of complete crisis in their teens, feeling like they cannot do anything with their life, but managed to somehow get through it. My 15 year old (trans male) moved to a specialist school last October and is in a class of only 5, with the most wonderful, understanding teachers and kids. Everyone has bent over backwards to do everything right to help him, including ensuring his new name and pronoun are always used. He admits that there's nothing else he wants them to do, but he still finds attending a living hell (but then taking the day off is a living hell because he's upset with himself).

I'd happily de-register him, arrange online schooling, alternative options, anything to make him happy, but he  doesn't believe there is any solution that would work.  He wants to be doing a normal range of gcse's, achieve his exams, and choose his own friends - but he knows he can't even keep up with the core subjects currently, and couldn't possibly manage in a normal class size (he likes the other 4 people in his class but he doesn't have much in common with them, so friendship options are limited). Her can't attend any clubs because he finds it too exhausting and anxiety provoking, because he suffers from constant voices in his head, shouting at him about how rubbish he is. He also suffers from distressing visual hallucinations due to anxiety too. He says, even if he gets any qualifications, he couldn't cope with college or any other environment like it, or any work environment, and he hates the idea of staying at home doing online learning. So....basically he sees no future. He's tried every CBT, DBT, talking therapy etc, and is on Fluoxetine. It seems like nothing helps. I don't want to 'fix' him, I want to help him realise that he's not broken, he's an amazing, talented individual with so much potential for happiness and plenty of time to work out his own way in life. How do you get someone to start believing that, when everything about life seems impossible to them?     

Parents

  • This sounds like a majority of kids right now, if I'm honest. I have a feeling if something went wrong with social media servers and they were somehow kicked off "online" life, things might be a little different.

    Life can be hard work. It shouldn't be so hard there's no reward, but nothing is ever achieved without persistence, discipline and learning to assume some responsibility. There is nothing luxurious about waking up, getting dressed and showing up where one is expected to, but it is these actions which lead to memorable experiences and hopefully rewarding 'feelings', especially in a design well-suited for learning and what almost sounds like catered to their needs. Brilliant! But one shouldn't learn to rely on feelings as they can be a false response to the wrong internal logic. 

    There's a term called the "Giltwrights" in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows: 

    • The Symbolic order and the "big Other": "The Giltwrights n. the imaginary committee of elders that keeps a running log of all your mistakes, steadily building their case that you’re secretly a fraud, a coward, a doofus..."

    It might also be good to look into The School of Life. He sounds like he could use some reasonable expectations for life. 

    I didn't pick up on this stuff at that age, but I did feel rejected as I was awkward and too 'unique'. So I just invested time in doing things I enjoyed - art club, chess club, learning things, making things. There is always music in my head and vivid imaginary stuff but I don't hear voices. Instead, I would have nightmares, but have come to learn that the things we process neurologically are directly connected many times to systems and exchanges in culture we're picking up, but when we're too young to understand them, we might internalise the problem. Have him write it all down. What else is suggesting there is no future for him? What is he believing that might not be true? This is a fiercely competitive culture. One might need to start with a digital detox, spend time accepting the interesting things about themselves, or maybe seek spiritual wisdom, even, to find a way through. 

Reply

  • This sounds like a majority of kids right now, if I'm honest. I have a feeling if something went wrong with social media servers and they were somehow kicked off "online" life, things might be a little different.

    Life can be hard work. It shouldn't be so hard there's no reward, but nothing is ever achieved without persistence, discipline and learning to assume some responsibility. There is nothing luxurious about waking up, getting dressed and showing up where one is expected to, but it is these actions which lead to memorable experiences and hopefully rewarding 'feelings', especially in a design well-suited for learning and what almost sounds like catered to their needs. Brilliant! But one shouldn't learn to rely on feelings as they can be a false response to the wrong internal logic. 

    There's a term called the "Giltwrights" in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows: 

    • The Symbolic order and the "big Other": "The Giltwrights n. the imaginary committee of elders that keeps a running log of all your mistakes, steadily building their case that you’re secretly a fraud, a coward, a doofus..."

    It might also be good to look into The School of Life. He sounds like he could use some reasonable expectations for life. 

    I didn't pick up on this stuff at that age, but I did feel rejected as I was awkward and too 'unique'. So I just invested time in doing things I enjoyed - art club, chess club, learning things, making things. There is always music in my head and vivid imaginary stuff but I don't hear voices. Instead, I would have nightmares, but have come to learn that the things we process neurologically are directly connected many times to systems and exchanges in culture we're picking up, but when we're too young to understand them, we might internalise the problem. Have him write it all down. What else is suggesting there is no future for him? What is he believing that might not be true? This is a fiercely competitive culture. One might need to start with a digital detox, spend time accepting the interesting things about themselves, or maybe seek spiritual wisdom, even, to find a way through. 

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