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I really thought something had begun...

Liv

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how best to write this down, but I want to say it, so I will have to try. It's just over two weeks until my school musical, which has been the greatest joy in my life for the past eight months. And I so wanted it to be perfect, but I haven't done anything I promised myself I would through lack of willpower/procrastination/lack of self esteem, which is, of course, a disappointment in itself, but that's not the main thing that's bothering me at this precise moment.

The main thing that upsets me is how the other older children in the cast, and the other principals, are so kind to me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when they're kind, sometimes it's worse when they treat me like an idiot or are mean to me. They sometimes even act like they want me around and talk to me with warmth in their voices, and when we had our latest rehearsal, the guy I play opposite hugged me goodbye (like he does all the girls, but still, it took this pain in my chest away). It made me feel like one of them. It filled me with hope. For a moment I thought things might be alright.

But they go off to their little parties, every single one of them apart from me, without asking me. The thought doesn't even cross their minds. And seeing them hurts me more and more. I feel like "the Little Mermaid" when the Prince watches her dance with her new legs, but every step for her is like walking on a thousand knives. It feels like there's a stone in my chest. What drives me so mental is I'm not quiet or shy, I don't take myself off, I make such an effort to be bubbly and energetic, and everyone says how nice I am, so why don't they want me? A lot of them don't even know my past, when I was very little and too frightened to have any sort of dealings with other children, but now I want their friendship, it's too late, and I'm desperate, too much has gone wrong...

I feel cursed. I feel so cursed. I feel cursed with food addiction which seems determined to bloat me into a fat monster, and I feel cursed to never have my affection and consideration for others reciprocated. I know I should be thinking more positively but I just can't. No one will ever want me and my life is hell, and I love my family but I'm ruining their lives being so unhappy, and we can't go on like this forever. 

I so wanted my involvement in the musical to be perfect. Please don't comfort me with the homespun philosophy that things will be better when I'm grown up. Things haven't moved forward in the slightest for years.

Parents

  • I know advice can be sound but when I'm upset, everything can sound patronising, even when its relevant and helpful. Anyway, I hope this encourages rather than patronises you.
    If you didn't have autism, would you be as good at music as you are now? A lot of ppl with aspies are really talentled, mainly with maths, IT, music, visual art and academic memory.
    When I took up archery, I found the club members change all the time and some are more committed than others. But the sport, technique and  enjoyment stay the same, allowing you to develop something that is only as complex as you want to make it :) Do you find music gives you the same sense of freedom/learning? The point of these different groups is to make something as a team- you must all have something in common- and that is a love for music. Maybe you can use that as a conversation starter (say, you meet someone who plays a different genre or instrument to you) and see where it takes you!

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  • I know advice can be sound but when I'm upset, everything can sound patronising, even when its relevant and helpful. Anyway, I hope this encourages rather than patronises you.
    If you didn't have autism, would you be as good at music as you are now? A lot of ppl with aspies are really talentled, mainly with maths, IT, music, visual art and academic memory.
    When I took up archery, I found the club members change all the time and some are more committed than others. But the sport, technique and  enjoyment stay the same, allowing you to develop something that is only as complex as you want to make it :) Do you find music gives you the same sense of freedom/learning? The point of these different groups is to make something as a team- you must all have something in common- and that is a love for music. Maybe you can use that as a conversation starter (say, you meet someone who plays a different genre or instrument to you) and see where it takes you!

Children
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