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I really thought something had begun...

Liv

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how best to write this down, but I want to say it, so I will have to try. It's just over two weeks until my school musical, which has been the greatest joy in my life for the past eight months. And I so wanted it to be perfect, but I haven't done anything I promised myself I would through lack of willpower/procrastination/lack of self esteem, which is, of course, a disappointment in itself, but that's not the main thing that's bothering me at this precise moment.

The main thing that upsets me is how the other older children in the cast, and the other principals, are so kind to me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when they're kind, sometimes it's worse when they treat me like an idiot or are mean to me. They sometimes even act like they want me around and talk to me with warmth in their voices, and when we had our latest rehearsal, the guy I play opposite hugged me goodbye (like he does all the girls, but still, it took this pain in my chest away). It made me feel like one of them. It filled me with hope. For a moment I thought things might be alright.

But they go off to their little parties, every single one of them apart from me, without asking me. The thought doesn't even cross their minds. And seeing them hurts me more and more. I feel like "the Little Mermaid" when the Prince watches her dance with her new legs, but every step for her is like walking on a thousand knives. It feels like there's a stone in my chest. What drives me so mental is I'm not quiet or shy, I don't take myself off, I make such an effort to be bubbly and energetic, and everyone says how nice I am, so why don't they want me? A lot of them don't even know my past, when I was very little and too frightened to have any sort of dealings with other children, but now I want their friendship, it's too late, and I'm desperate, too much has gone wrong...

I feel cursed. I feel so cursed. I feel cursed with food addiction which seems determined to bloat me into a fat monster, and I feel cursed to never have my affection and consideration for others reciprocated. I know I should be thinking more positively but I just can't. No one will ever want me and my life is hell, and I love my family but I'm ruining their lives being so unhappy, and we can't go on like this forever. 

I so wanted my involvement in the musical to be perfect. Please don't comfort me with the homespun philosophy that things will be better when I'm grown up. Things haven't moved forward in the slightest for years.

Parents

  • Hi Liv -

    First of all can I say how courageous you are for undertaking and committing to such a project - I could never have done anything like that, I would have died!

     

    Don't be too hard on yourself - you say you want things to be perfect - I think you may be setting yourself up for a fall here. On the spectrum we do have rigid ideas of how things should be (I do) but I have learned that I can only control my responses and not that of others so when I've wanted an event to be good and it's gone wrong I get upset and feel bad and all the negative stuff comes out, but when I've got distance from it I see that I have too high expectations of myself and others sometimes.

    It doesn't get easier as you grow older (I'm 44) but what changes is you - I have a greater understanding now of what makes me tick and what makes me meltdown and have mroe confidence to deal with that kind of stuff. I am more confident in telling others what I think (and yes I can be very blunt). So it doesn't improve - autism is autism but you gain experience and learn stuff which helps.

    It seems to me Liv that you are already fairly self aware and clearly highly intelligent - use this as a tool in your growth.

    When the negative stuff hits, which it will always from time to time, don't be too hard on yourself and try and find people to be near who have some understanding of your autism and how it works. this is tough though because lots of people THINK they understand when they don't.

    And when all else fails - you got us.....

    Good luck with your performance!! And well done you!

Reply

  • Hi Liv -

    First of all can I say how courageous you are for undertaking and committing to such a project - I could never have done anything like that, I would have died!

     

    Don't be too hard on yourself - you say you want things to be perfect - I think you may be setting yourself up for a fall here. On the spectrum we do have rigid ideas of how things should be (I do) but I have learned that I can only control my responses and not that of others so when I've wanted an event to be good and it's gone wrong I get upset and feel bad and all the negative stuff comes out, but when I've got distance from it I see that I have too high expectations of myself and others sometimes.

    It doesn't get easier as you grow older (I'm 44) but what changes is you - I have a greater understanding now of what makes me tick and what makes me meltdown and have mroe confidence to deal with that kind of stuff. I am more confident in telling others what I think (and yes I can be very blunt). So it doesn't improve - autism is autism but you gain experience and learn stuff which helps.

    It seems to me Liv that you are already fairly self aware and clearly highly intelligent - use this as a tool in your growth.

    When the negative stuff hits, which it will always from time to time, don't be too hard on yourself and try and find people to be near who have some understanding of your autism and how it works. this is tough though because lots of people THINK they understand when they don't.

    And when all else fails - you got us.....

    Good luck with your performance!! And well done you!

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