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Newly diagnosed with autism as an adult

NAS80155

I think I'm in a grieving process in a strange kind of way. I was diagnosed with autism last month. I'd suspected I was autistic after my son was diagnosed. It makes sense because I've had no friends for 30 years and if I make friends they soon stop talking to me.

I've always thought that I was antisocial or I was doing unintentionally something which meant people didn't like me. Alongside autism I have a condition which means I don't recognise or feel some emotions.

I've had no contact with close family for years and my only real social contact is much older husband and teenage children. The realisation has hit that I'm going to become a solitary older lady who has cats but not support (two cats already). I'm disabled and a carer for an ASC child.

It's all very strange. My family said you've coped fine why do you need to know, should you be driving and should you be caring for a child with autism. I've done this for 12 years with no support. I've done three scientific research degrees with no friends or support but have been at home for ten years. I volunteer in health research.

It's so strange because I really feel that I don't know myself anymore but am wondering if I need to make friends who will understand. I'm not depressed. Just puzzled.

I

  • Hi - I’m part way through the diagnosis process with the NHS. I have 2 adult children who are both autistic - one with a diagnosis and one on the waiting list for assessment. My husband has loads of autistic traits too. I’ve had friends in the past but I found it so stressful and confusing that I ‘let them go’ - or they let me go! 
    For years I haven’t wanted friends - my friends have been my husband and children. They have been enough for me. However last year I had a very serious physical illness and I realised that being so isolated actually made us feel suddenly vulnerable. I wasn’t that close to my wider ‘original family’ - but we needed to turn to them in our hour of need, and the seriousness of my illness made me realise that I wanted to rebuild that connection with them. I realised that it mattered to me. 

    I think that many autistic people enjoy being alone, or only having very few people in their lives - but sometimes it can just suddenly strike you that their can be serious downsides to this. Personally I have found that the pandemic, my illness (and  probably getting older too) has made me feel more vulnerable. In the past I’ve found friendships stressful (like you I was always worried that people didn’t like me) but I suspect I was just friends with the wrong people! I needed autistic friends I think - but I don’t think I ever had the opportunity (until I met my husband and had children), 

    It’s wonderful that you’ve done three research degrees from home - no small achievement. I’ve also worked from home for about 25 years as an artist (until recently anyway). 


     What are you grieving for? 


    when you write: ‘I really feel that I don’t know myself anymore’ - I can relate to that. The difficulties I’ve experienced over the last year have produced a huge amount of self doubt in me and I’ve lost a lot of certainty about what my life is really for. My main purpose in life is  caring for and supporting my youngest son. He is out of college due to social anxiety, selective mutism and other issues. He’s a wonderful person and he’s my reason for living when I feel like giving up, 

    I sometimes wonder if the menopause might be impacting on my lack of confidence and self worth. And possibly my anxiety might be exacerbated due to the menopause too, Frankly though there are so many things going on in the world that have shaken me these last 2 years - I’m not surprised I don’t know what the hell I'm doing! 
    Things have been REALLY bad the last few months - and coming on this forum has really helped me to realise that connecting with other people really DOES help. Problems that I felt so alone with turn out to be surprisingly frequent in the autistic community. I realise that - in the autistic community - I am ‘normal’! And that’s quite comforting :) 

  • It is a really strange thing to get your head around but it will make more sense when you've had more time to process it. Family don't always understand what it means/why it's important to you but just remember it's your personal business so it doesn't matter that much what they think. You're not alone, a lot of people on this forum have had similar experiences to you. :)