Hi everyone,
In just over two months, I am in my school production of the musical Miss Saigon (for those of you who haven't heard of it, it's by the same people who wrote Les Miserables and based on the opera Madame Butterfly, and if you haven't heard of either of those, I can't help you much) I have a principal role and I am SO EXCITED! My character is called Ellen, and she is married to the male lead Chris, and though I absolutely love the part and my overriding emotion is complete and utter excitement and joy at the honour of being chosen, there are mixed emotions too. (As there would be with me. I never just accept things as being lovely and move on, you know?)
My mind is often on the story of Miss Saigon, and I consider the pain of each individual character - since it is a story with its fair share of pain. Essentially, it starts during the Vietnam War, in Saigon (hence the title). A seventeen-year-old orphan called Kim takes a job in a club run by a sleazy guy known as the Engineer (who really really wants to move to America). On her first day there, she meets Chris, and they fall in love. They're together for a couple of weeks, and during that time Kim's friends hold this fake wedding ceremony which Kim thinks is real, but Chris knows is fake. However, he promises her that he will take her home to the States, BUT they get separated during the Fall of Saigon, and he has to leave without her.
He thinks he's lost her and meets and marries an American girl, Ellen, but Kim still thinks they're married and that he is coming back for her. She still thinks this three years later - and by the way she's had his child, a litle boy called Tam, but he doesn't know that. Anyway, Chris's friend John (who served with Chris in Vietnam and now runs this programe to make sure that Vietnamese children with American fathers get the support they need) finds her and the child in Thailand with the Engineer, as they had to run away after Kim shot her cousin to protect Tam. He tells Chris and Ellen to come to Thailand to meet them and settle the whole thing, but Kim gets all excited when she's told that Chris has come to see her and Tam, so she goes to the hotel room where Chris and Ellen are staying, and Chris has gone to find her so she meets Ellen, and there's a big argument as to who's husband Chris actually is. Kim leaves very angry and upset (to say the least), Ellen sings a song about how she feels sorry for Kim but she loves Chris and wants to keep him, then Chris and John come back and there's another argument. Meanwhile, Kim realises that Chris can't take her back now, but she still wants him to take Tam back to America so he can have a better life, so she decides to give her life for Tam so Chris and Ellen have no choice but to take him.
Does that make sense? (That, by the way, is the simplest version I can give you so that you can actually understand what my concerns are.) I have worked out a back story for Ellen (in that she's like me, but slightly quieter and less fiery - more cold and distant, but still struggling with things such as friendships). I have decided her school life was difficult because she got ill a lot as a child, and therefore had been behind, with learning and with friendships. I have decided that her life as a young adult isn't easy either, due to her being quite cold, but I have made her love for Chris almost obsessive, for she feels she has little else. I quite enjoyed doing that (procrastinating exam revision, ha ha).
However, something I feel I have to get my head around is: did Chris ever really love Kim, or was he just affected by her? What I see when I think about Kim is that she is a vulnerable, frightened, lonely girl, forced into a horrendous job. I think she genuinely loves Chris, for her life is so bleak she has to have something to hold onto, and he is the father of her child. However, I think that for Chris, Kim is a ghost from the past, and was a lesson in life, rather than a real love - someone who taught him the pain of others so that he'd be in a better position to fix himself emotionally. There's no doubt that she touched his life hugely, but I think it was just the excitement and passion of youth rather than a relationship. I think he genuinely loves Ellen as she supported him through his pain, but I think he's such a mixed up individual he's not even sure.
I'm sure you're wondering why it bothers me so much, but sometimes just being at rehearsals gets to me. It's like every other situation in my life - I see everyone else together, bonding, and I'm the one treated with friendly politeness, but not making any friends. And the more I hurt, the more moved I am by Ellen's story, because the more I feel I have in common with her. And I should be simply excited, and focused on my exams, but it feels sometimes like all I can do is feel upset for her, and as isolated and cold as her. After rehearsals, I feel somewhat emotionally drained, and my loneliness is starting to feel more prominent than it ever has before.
I'm starting to reflect - I'm 16, and in some ways nothing has changed since I was a young child. This play is the best thing that has happened to me, but it's also showing me how I still have no clue when it comes to people.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far. Sorry for waffling a whole load of rubbish.
Liv x