Parents of Autistic Students at University

Hi, this is my first post on this site.I don't have any advice to offer because I'm often at a loss myself, but I just wanted to express my empathy for what you are going through.I'm also a parent supporting a recently-diagnosed son who is repeating the year because last year didn't work out. He agreed to move to a closer uni and a slightly easier course, and he is doing better than I expected in some ways, but his well-being is still a massive concern. My son is depressed and often feels hopeless, but won't seek treatment for this, and the way we have been dealing with it is to bring him home as often as possible for TLC in hope that we can avoid complete burnout. I realise this is not an option for you being so far away, but having read down the thread I can see that your son has made friends -- surely this is a massive help to him!

It is very hard to know when to stand back and when to step in, isn't it? I find myself oscillating between stepping back too far and having my son fall flat on his face, and conversely getting too micromanagey and ending up in an argument. I have other teenagers and this can be a problem for any child, but it's much more pronounced when the autism is involved because I'm not able to use my personal frame of reference to make judgements about when to intervene, if that makes any sense. I guess I'm saying that for my family, we seem to be operating on trial and error. It's quite draining for me and my work has suffered from the extra emotional load.

I wonder if your son has thought about using any apps to help support his executive function? My niece is autistic and swears by a system of phone alarms that she uses to keep herself on track. Does your son meet with a DLS mentor at uni? Is this helpful to him?

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for your reply and it is very helpful and reassuring that I’m not alone. You are doing an amazing job and I can completely relate to you. 
My son can get depressed too and I found that giving him Omega 3 vitamins helped a bit.

• My main challenge with him is his lack of communication with us, we are always trying to guess how he is, and exactly this if we step too far, he falls and if we invade too much we argue. I have a quite demanding job and I have had to go to work a few times without having slept at all because he didn’t charge his phone and we didn’t know where he was and if he was ok. He doesn’t understand why I worry so much and I look most of the time like a neurotic maniac mum, and that is probably not far from the truth! 
  He joined in as many societies as he could, and this has helped him to make friends, he is very shy but can somehow manage to participate in social events. University is good because of the range of offers relating to his own interests and this keeps him going. 
  
  We tried to get the DLS involved, it worked ok during the first year but last year it was all over the place. He misses a lot of appointments and when we ask him about it he says ‘I’m doing it…’ but he doesn’t do it. When we text him he answers back with the phone ‘template’ replies: ‘Can I talk to you later?’ ‘I’m on my way.’ ‘Sorry I can’t talk right now.’ But when he does at least I know he is ok and has charged his phone! My son is also asthmatic and short sighted but refuses to wear his glasses and this adds to the list of worries.

Anyway, I’ve just sent him a ‘Good morning’ and his reply: 

‘Can I talk to you later?’ 

Thank you for your reply and it is very helpful and reassuring that I’m not alone. You are doing an amazing job and I can completely relate to you. 
My son can get depressed too and I found that giving him Omega 3 vitamins helped a bit.

• My main challenge with him is his lack of communication with us, we are always trying to guess how he is, and exactly this if we step too far, he falls and if we invade too much we argue. I have a quite demanding job and I have had to go to work a few times without having slept at all because he didn’t charge his phone and we didn’t know where he was and if he was ok. He doesn’t understand why I worry so much and I look most of the time like a neurotic maniac mum, and that is probably not far from the truth! 
  He joined in as many societies as he could, and this has helped him to make friends, he is very shy but can somehow manage to participate in social events. University is good because of the range of offers relating to his own interests and this keeps him going. 
  
  We tried to get the DLS involved, it worked ok during the first year but last year it was all over the place. He misses a lot of appointments and when we ask him about it he says ‘I’m doing it…’ but he doesn’t do it. When we text him he answers back with the phone ‘template’ replies: ‘Can I talk to you later?’ ‘I’m on my way.’ ‘Sorry I can’t talk right now.’ But when he does at least I know he is ok and has charged his phone! My son is also asthmatic and short sighted but refuses to wear his glasses and this adds to the list of worries.

Anyway, I’ve just sent him a ‘Good morning’ and his reply: 

‘Can I talk to you later?’ 

You are not neurotic! The phone situation sounds absolutely nerve-wracking and quite familiar in the 'forgetting to charge/lost the thing/didn't turn it on' department. Refusing to wear glasses? I see you and raise you a refusing-to-have-eye-test. *Sigh*  Hang in there. We are all just muddling along best we can, aren't we? Feel free to vent on this thread!