Police or spy’s that go undercover are trained, have a handler and receive regular psychiatric support. I believe the role is restricted to a certain amount of time before moving to a different role.
Meanwhile, undiagnosed autistics play a role that they are not all their lives. Experts at camouflage or masking. No handler, support or time limit.
it’s hardly surprising that the fragility of living a lie finally causes major cognitive disruption at some point or other. The raw emotions, feelings coupled with being an ‘outsider’ has to erupt at some point. And boy, 8 years ago a major shutdown kicked in. My partner has never been the same towards me since. I can’t blame her really. Having a cabbage around for six months wasn’t in the contract! But I came out of it more resilient and focused, or so I thought.
Now it’s a case of controlled acting.
I’m the relatively successful guy, full of witty repartee and boundless enthusiasm. “He’s a bit odd but does good work”People rely on me.
The reality is, my exhaustion and sadness has developed into a chronic physical pain. Over sensitive, insomnia and lonely. My mind seems to be wading through mud and clumsiness is a daily occurrence. I dream of embracing oblivion.
I don’t want to be undercover anymore.
But, I’m the relatively successful guy, full of witty repartee and boundless enthusiasm. “He’s a bit odd but does good work”People rely on me.
And i’m so fucking tired. But it has to remain undercover. My family rely on me. So “chin up and best foot forward” I can hear people kindly say should they see beneath the mask.
So be it. If people stopped and looked, they’d see me cast a long shadow in my eyes, just above my rictus smile.
