Hi everyone.
Not too sure why I am posting this, other than getting things off my chest, I suppose.
I'm a 38 year old gay woman with a young son. I have recently been diagnosed with autism. My ex wife left me, out of the blue, 3 years ago and we subsequently divorced. Since then I have been single and all my focus has been on my son and my work (I'm a doctor).
With hindsight I can see that I had been in a relationship for 10 years with a narcissist. When the ex left me, I determined it would be better for me if I didn't seek another relationship. This was for a number of reasons, including not wanting to unsettle my son (who also likely has autism), having a lack of time to dedicate to a partner, massive anxiety around the thought of dating and meeting new people and also not wanting to be in a similar position where I am dumped out of the blue again by someone that I had trusted most in the world.
By and large I have done ok with being single. However, things are never straight forward are they? Around 2 years ago, I realised that I was starting to develop feelings for a same sex friend. I initially put this down to being a brief crush so had ignored it, thinking that over time these feelings would subside, but they haven't and if I am being honest, I would say that these feelings have strengthened and I am actually in love with her. We met at work 4.5 years ago when I was a junior dr on the same ward and when my rotation ended we kept in touch. We are in contact with each other every day.
My friend has been in a longterm relationship with her boyfriend for years and they own a house together. For the last few months I have struggled with my feelings for her. Before the pandemic I tried to distance myself to try and get over my feelings for her but that didn't work. I also tried to look online to see if I could find someone to date. I texted someone for a few months but all it demonstrated to me was that I was going through the motions to try and get over my feelings for my friend, so I didn't continue.
I am not good at flirting or knowing if people are flirting with me so I'm not sure if there is any potential that she has feelings for me. There have been times where I think that she may do but I'm not really sure about these things. She doesn't really talk about her partner and if I ask after him the response is always very brief. She also hasn't ever asked if I am thinking about dating or meeting someone new. She is the only person that I feel truly comfortable with and we just seem to 'get' each other.
I have been struggling to think what to do for the best. I feel like I am being very disingenuous by not admitting how I feel to my friend because I feel like it's not honest and that she has a right to know so she can decide if/how she wants to continue our friendship. Clearly if I did this, I would risk losing her as a friend. However, I would know for sure where I would stand and it may give me closure to move on and clear my head. At the moment I feel really stuck and it is actually really painful. At the back of my mind I kind of have 'what if?' - if there is a tiny possibility that she may have some feelings for me but we are both too scared to admit it.
It's really hard. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer but I'm finding it increasingly upsetting trying to ignore my feelings. Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation?